Thursday, April 29, 2010
What IF?
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Wasn't sure that I wanted to post about it this week or not but then I read THIS and was deeply moved by the more than 400 people who were able to be so open that I couldn't help but think of my own "What IF's?"
What IF I will always feel instant remorse for myself when ever I hear someone is pregnant or the few occasions someone actually tells me themselves that they are pregnant?
What IF I will always be scared to get pregnant because I don't want to make anyone feel like I do when someone announces that they are pregnant?
What IF I will always feel like less of a woman/mother when I am at play group with other mothers who are talking about their pregnancies and births and how their children look like them?
What IF I lose it the next time someone asks me "so you can't have children?" when I tell them that Mac was adopted?
What IF I never come up with the right thing to say when someone asks me "where does he get the red hair from?" or "Who in your family has red hair?" and Mac thinks I am ashamed that he is adopted because he thinks that I don't want to tell people he is or that I am telling every one and he thinks that he is not my real child. Sometimes I just want to walk through the store normally and not have to explaine my entire life to a stranger.
What IF I always feel like people are secretly, or not so secretly thinking to themselves that they are glad that they are not me and that they don't have my trials?
What IF people around me don't realize or understand to it's fullest the huge sacrifice we have made to bring our children into our family?
What IF people will always think I will get pregnant as soon as we adopt?
What IF I sink into depression every time we start the adoption process again because it reminds me I have wounds of infertility?
What IF I don't learn what I need to learn from all of this?
What IF we wouldn't have listened to the promtings to move to Montana, would we have our Mac?
What IF we would have never decided to adopt?
What IF we are not chosen again to be the parents of a sweet baby?
What IF we have to go through a failed adoption(s) before we find our baby?
What IF would have started the adoption process sooner, would we have more children?
What IF our next adoption process is a contested adoption and we don't have enough money to pay for all the legal fees?
Even with all the "What IF's" that I think about I know with assurity that blessings come through trials. I know that Heavenly Father will provide as long as we do our part. I have seen that happen first hand with every part of Mac's adoption story. He provided a way even if we didn't see it at the time, but we recognize it now. And I have faith in his plan for us and our family!
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"What IF I never come up with the right thing to say when someone asks me "where does he get the red hair from?" or "Who in your family has red hair?" and McCoy thinks I am ashamed that he is adopted because he thinks that I don't want to tell people he is or that I am telling every one and he thinks that he is not my real child. Sometimes I just want to walk through the store normally and not have to explaine my entire life to a stranger."
Sing it sister...
No honestly, this is the bane of my existence as well. When people ask about Julia's curls I can always proudly say, "her birth mother!" But the red-hair thing makes me uncomfortable every. single. time.
Carri and Matt don't have red hair. They also both have brown eyes.
Julia has red hair and grey eyes that change color.
Like Mike's eyes. Like my sister's eyes.
We both have red hair in our families but that wouldn't have contributed to Julia's. I don't like feeling like I need to tell complete strangers who ask that Julia was adopted by saying, "We're not sure, neither of her birth parents have red hair."
I guess all I can do is shrug my shoulders and say, "Dunno!" Although that got me into a confrontation with someone who responded to that with, "UPS man then?"
Ugh.
It's sad because it's such a simple thing.
OH! Just came up with the perfect responses!!!
"Where does the red hair come from?"
"He makes it himself!"
"Who in your family has red hair?"
"He does!"
what if you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for?
what if your trials are inspirations for so many others?
what if your sacrifices have made others more grateful for what they have?
what if your voice has educated people on a subject that isn't really openly talked about?
what if your heart has helped people have compassion for others that have fertility problems?
what if you are WAY more of a mother BECAUSE you accepted a life that you did not create?
well, this is how i feel..... thank you.
love you spring.
It is so hard to see you go through all this. I wish their was something I could do. You and Bryce are such great people. You are inspiring others to not be afraid, and helping others understand. Thank you so much for all of your honesty. Your faith is never waivering and the Lord knows that and will bless you for your patience. Even if you don't think you are that patient, you are! Love you, I wish I could give you a hug.
What a strong video. Brenly I look up to you everyday for being so strong. I know I have only seen your face at institute, church things, and on your blog but am so grateful for your posts.
Thank you Brenley. You were the first blog I found when I was in the darkest of times with IF. I googled "LDS adoption blogs" and found you. you opened a new world to me with your story and all your links to others with this struggle. Your blog helps a lot of people with IF and educates those who don't struggle with IF.
Thank you for sharing this. As I read your list I gave a big "YES" for each of those. It always feels comforting to hear from someone who feels the same way I do because then I don't feel like the only one!!
And I LOVE Rose's response above. It brought tears to my eyes.
You are so brave to share all this. Thank you for your courage!
I think adoption is a good thing. You can help a poor kid out and you bring happiness to yourself as well.
Brenley--i know all too well,all your WHAT IF'S...how blessed we are to be MOTHERS, through adoption!! what an amazing gift--no matter how our children came to us.
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