What IF?

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Wasn't sure that I wanted to post about it this week or not but then I read THIS and was deeply moved by the more than 400 people who were able to be so open that I couldn't help but think of my own "What IF's?"


What IF I will always feel instant remorse for myself when ever I hear someone is pregnant or the few occasions someone actually tells me themselves that they are pregnant?

What IF I will always be scared to get pregnant because I don't want to make anyone feel like I do when someone announces that they are pregnant?

What IF I will always feel like less of a woman/mother when I am at play group with other mothers who are talking about their pregnancies and births and how their children look like them?

What IF I lose it the next time someone asks me "so you can't have children?" when I tell them that Mac was adopted?

What IF I never come up with the right thing to say when someone asks me "where does he get the red hair from?" or "Who in your family has red hair?" and Mac thinks I am ashamed that he is adopted because he thinks that I don't want to tell people he is or that I am telling every one and he thinks that he is not my real child. Sometimes I just want to walk through the store normally and not have to explaine my entire life to a stranger.

What IF I always feel like people are secretly, or not so secretly thinking to themselves that they are glad that they are not me and that they don't have my trials?

What IF people around me don't realize or understand to it's fullest the huge sacrifice we have made to bring our children into our family?

What IF people will always think I will get pregnant as soon as we adopt?

What IF I sink into depression every time we start the adoption process again because it reminds me I have wounds of infertility?
What IF I don't learn what I need to learn from all of this?

What IF we wouldn't have listened to the promtings to move to Montana, would we have our Mac?

What IF we would have never decided to adopt?

What IF we are not chosen again to be the parents of a sweet baby?

What IF we have to go through a failed adoption(s) before we find our baby?

What IF would have started the adoption process sooner, would we have more children?

What IF our next adoption process is a contested adoption and we don't have enough money to pay for all the legal fees?

Even with all the "What IF's" that I think about I know with assurity that blessings come through trials. I know that Heavenly Father will provide as long as we do our part. I have seen that happen first hand with every part of Mac's adoption story. He provided a way even if we didn't see it at the time, but we recognize it now. And I have faith in his plan for us and our family!

cuteness just radiates from this boy!

I know you will agree!

Mac funnies and more...

Some random sentences from Mac all in one day...
"Why is Mike talking to Daddy?"
"Mommy, where did this come from?"
"Look Mommy...I am sitting behind Daddy!"
"Mommy,I want to tell you something!"
"I am so tired!"
"Wait a minute!"
"I'm sad...I want Daddy."
"I have two eyes!"
"I want to drive Grandpa's truck!"

There is no doubt that Mac is a great talker and has a huge vocabulary. And not only that but he remembers everything you say. But there are a few things that he doesn't say correctly no matter how many times we try to correct him, and I think it is funny and cute. And I don't want to forget them...


"fireguck-guck" -
he says "truck", and "fire engine" just fine but when he wants to say fire truck it is always the same.
"elephant-ant"
"fridge" - bridge
"brice" - rice
"kank-koo" - thank you
although sometimes he will say "kank-you"
muugick - music

Just some funnies from March and April...

I was making dinner and Mac was sitting at the table playing trains and we were talking. He all of a sudden said “Mommy poopy?” and I said NO. He then said “What's that smell...its YUCKY!” So walk over to him to check his diaper and before I even looked in his diaper I could smell him, although he wasn't poopy. He had tooted and was blaming it on me.

We were on our way home from church and I was telling Mac that Grandpa Dick and Grandma Wilma were going to come over. He of course got so excited and then he told me “Grandma and Grandpa will say HI Mac and Mac will say HI Grandpa Dick, HI Grandma Wilma.”

My Uncle, Grandpa Dick and Daddy were getting ready to go to the Priesthood session of General Conference. Mac asked my Uncle where he was going and he responded with “to Church”. Mac asked him “to talk about Jesus and Nephi?”

A few weeks prior we had gone to see Hubs at work and Mac was getting really restless so Hubs showed him pictures of tractors on the computer. Then one morning Hubs was getting ready to leave for work and Mac asked Daddy where he was going like he does almost every morning. Hubs told him that he was going to work. Mac said, “to look at tractors and trucks.”

When I tell Mac we are going to the store he usually asks if he can see the tractors and trucks at the store. One day we pulled into the Costco parking lot and Mac says, “there no toys?” I guess he remembered from the previous time we had gone there that there were no toys to look at at Costco.

And two silly pictures...

Drinking homemade smoothies and trying a box on for size!

Tulip Festival!

This is the best family picture we got at the tuplip festival and Mac's face is hilarous!

Hubs had last friday off because it was the end of tax season. So we headed north to the Tulip festival. School must of been out because there were a ton of people there for being a friday at noon. But it was fun. They had booths and kids activities. And then we went to the tulip fields. We didn't stay very long and didn't really get to do a whole lot because Mac was cranky, from not getting a very good nap on the way up.

We then had my parents watch Mac and Hubs and I did a session at the Temple.

They had this little cow train ride for $2.00 and the ride lasted probably 15 minutes. But boy was it bumpy and I felt like I had a broken bum when we were done. But Mac loved it. We didn't end up sitting in this cow, because I didn't fit, we found one where Mac could sit in my lap.

Mac and I getting ready for the ride to start. I was so excited that I got this shot on the first try!

Mac mostly just wanted to see the old steam tractors of course.

Daddy and Mac had fun just running around.

Uuuum CUTE!

Mac got in trouble while out in the tulip fields and got put in time out by Daddy.

What a sad face!

So sad!

drawing...

I found out that Mac likes drawing better than coloring. I tried to show him how to color a picture and he was not really interested. So I just got some blank paper out and he loves to draw. He is sometimes very precise about how he draws his lines and then when he scribbles that is sometimes even very precise. I will have to take some pictures of his drawings and post them.

And besides that I just thought he looked too cute and like such a big boy sitting at the table concentrating on drawing pictures.

Have I mentioned how much I...

LOVE...

LOVE...

LOVE...

LOVE...

LOVE...

LOVE...

HIM!!!

This boy...

makes me feel like

I will burst at the seams with love for him!

TRAINS!

We took Mac to the Model Train show that was in town. Mac was in heaven and he never seemed to think that there were enough trains to see. He was so good and you could just tell that he loved it.

I love this picture (even though it is out of focus).

He even wore his train conductor overalls.

I was really gearing up for a melt down when it was time to go. But I tried the one thing that usually works in cases like this and it worked like a charm today. As we are walking around and towards the door we say "goodbye!" to EVERYTHING, literally!

Mac is at such a great age to take him to things like this. I have about a million places I want to take him this summer and we can't wait to do it.

Easter!

We spent the weekend at my parents house so that we could watch General Conference. We also colored Easter eggs while we were there.

This is his "say cheese" smile! So stinkin cute!

A multi tasker!

I think he just stuck his hand in the blue and then he had blue fingers for the rest of the day. And because Mac likes tradition, he licked an egg again and his tongue was colored. Pretty sure he did the same thing last year.

 We practiced finding hiden Easter eggs at home and he did great. So we decided to go to our little town's Easter Egg Hunt. Once they said he could go he freaked, but I don't blame him. A very little space and lots of two year old with their parents running to find eggs. I picked up one for him.

And in reality all he wanted to do was go and see the fire engine and the Easter Bunny.

And if you want to hear him sing "I Am a Child of God" go HERE!

Let me know if the link doesn't work for those that don't do Facebook.

Pizza picnic and a movie!

We have done this once before and we really liked it. So one Friday night we decided to try it again and watch "Where the Wild Things Are". Mac loves the book and he was so excited to watch the movie. After watching it, it really isn't the best movie for little ones. Lots of anger and reacting to anger in a negative way, didn't like it that well. Thankfully Mac lost interest in it about half way through.

I took this picture using the timer. I didn't realize that my "watching a movie face" looked so serious. I don't look like I was enjoying myself at all, but I really was!

Utah Trip Part THREE ~ Temple Square

We tried to go to Temple square our last friday there, but it snowed all day. Then it was so nice on Saturday that we were going to go but then we realized that it was the YW General Meeting and it would be crazy busy down there. So we decided to skip church (Mac was sick anyway) and take the last chance we had to go. I haven't been in 10 years since the very first General Conference held in the Conference Center.

We decided to take the TRAX (train) down to Temple Square, we thought Mac would really like that, and he did!

The weather was beautiful and not cold or windy at all. We had a great time and we are so glad that we went. We were able to go to the Visitor Center and also take a tour of the Conference Center.

And you will also notice that I am in some pictures! YAY!

My nieces E and H with Mac.

Waiting for the train to come.

Mac kept on asking about the owies in Jesus' hands and feet. I tried to explain as well as I could for a two year old.

We took at tour of the conference center, which was very cool to do. Learned alot of things like all the art in the building is all originals.

My cute parents!

Before we got on the train back Mac fell asleep and slept the entire ride back. Unfortunatly we had to wake him when we got back to the truck and it was his only nap for the day.

Right when I took these pictures, Mac opened his eyes just a little even though he was asleep, creepy!

Waiting to go back!