Happy Halloween!!

Sunday Gratitude...

I am grateful...

01.   that my talk is done with and I think it turned out ok. I have never struggled so much to write a talk before.

02.  that I won't have to give a talk for another year.

03.  that we (including Hubs!!!) will most likely be able to go to Utah for Thanksgiving and when my nephew goes through the Temple for his Endowments.

04.  That we have our adoption orientation meeting with our Caseworker this week and will be getting all of our adoption education hours in required to be approved.

05.  that Hubs takes Mac with him when he goes and visits families in the Ward.

06.  for my children's birth families! there are not enough words to describe how much I love all of them.

07.   for the moments when Oak and Mac play really well together.

08.  That Mac recovered very quickly from having Croup.

09. that Mac actually sat and listened when we did FHE tonight.

10.  to be in a Ward that has so many families touched by adoption. There is at least one child in every Primary class that was adopted.

cute little booger!

What THIS cute little booger has managed to do today...

1. have two explosive diapers, which resulted in one bath, one entire wardrobe change, and one onesie change.

2. not take her afternoon nap after at least five attempts.

3. when told to sit down on the couch, ran and tumbled over the arm of it. scared her and me!

4. thrown every single pea on the floor that I gave her for dinner. on the very same floor that I spent an hour mopping with my swiffer and on my knees with a wet towel.

5. almost dipped her hand in the toilet. thankfully I caught her in time.

6. lots and lots of high pitch screaming just to bug her brother.

7. oh and after never taking an afternoon nap, fought going to bed for the night also.

And she manages to look cute doing it all, so it's hard to be frustrated at her.

So love her!!!

croup

Saturday, Hubs and I left our kids with my parents and headed to the Temple for our Stake Temple Day. We had to leave about 7:30am to make it to a 10am session. When we left I hadn't heard Mac cough at all.

My parents said that not long after we left that Mac started coughing and the cough was sounding worse as time went by. His cough ended up sounding like a barking seal. But he was acting fine. He ate lunch and went and layed down on the couch and fell asleep.

We got out of the Temple around 1pm, and I called my mom to see how the kids were doing. She said that they were doing just fine and Mac was asleep and Oak was about to go down for a nap. Then we headed over to the Deseret Book Store and then we were going to go to lunch with Hubs's parents. While in the bookstore, I got a call from my (it was only about 10  minutes after I just talked to her). She didn't sound panicked, but very worried, and i knew something was wrong.

She told me that Mac had woken up gasping for air and he couldn't breath. I could hear him in the background gasping and trying to tell Grandma that he couldn't breathe. All I wanted to do, was reach through the phone and help him. I was starting to get panicked, because I was feeling very helpless and we were nearly 2 hours away from him. As I was telling my Mother-in-law, who was with us, what was going on, she said that it sounded like croup. She said that when her kids were little and had croup, the doctor told her to take them outside. His breathing wasn't getting better at all so that is what I told my mom to do with him and that they needed to call 911. My dad called 911 and took him outside and he immediately started doing better.

Mean while we left the stuff at the bookstore that we were planning on buying and left for home immediately. We had to stop and get gas, which did not help my anxiety, but we would not have made it back to our boy with out getting any.

 The ambulance arrived shortly after that and all I could do was listen over the phone while all this was going on. The  Paramedics did their routine stuff on him and I ended up talking a little to one of the paramedics who said that he thought that it was croup. And that they were going to transport him to the Emergency Room/Urgent Care (which was more than 30 minutes away in a neighboring town). I told them that was fine (although in my head I was thinking about how much ambulance rides cost, but knew that I shouldn't worry about that).

My Dad was able to go with Mac in the ambulance and Mac sat on his lap the whole time while my Dad held oxygen up to his face. Mac was pretty disappointed that they didn't turn the siren on when he rode in it. But he still thought that it was so cool.

We then arrived to the hospital a little while after they had gotten there. My dad had already given as much info to the triage nurse as he could. And when we walked in to the waiting room, Mac was sitting next to his grandpa coloring in a little coloring book they had given him. He was very excited to see us, and us him. He sounded so raspy, but talked our heads off. We waited with them for another 30 minutes before they took us back to a room, then waited another 45 minutes before the doctor came in. The doctor came in for about 5 minutes and told us that, yes, it was croup. The advice he gave us was to take hi him outside if that happens again. And that it is classic for croup to come on that quickly. They gave him an oral steroid and then we were off.

Mac did not shut his mouth and was a little bit crazy the 30 minute drive back to my parents house. I was told that is because of the steroid. He was a bit off the wall yesterday too. It was nearly impossible to get him to calm down enough so that he wasn't panting and out of breathe. By the end of the night last night he was very wheezy and so we filled the bathroom with steam from the hot shower and then made him go outside for a little while. He slept great last night and is doing much better today, and thankfully a little less wild.

We are really hoping that all Oak will get is a cold out of it and not get full blown croup, since croup is basically a cold gone bad. She has started a bit of a runny nose, so we will see. But at least we now know the symptoms and what to do.

I am trying to recover from little to no sleep the last couple of nights so that I can get my talk written for this coming Sunday.



Sunday Gratitude

Visiting Grandma C on her 60th birthday.

I am grateful...

01.  for the promptings that have lead us to actually get our adoption paperwork started. I will be calling LDS Family Services this week to get the ball rolling. Very excited and nervous!

02.  for my husband who is a righteous priesthood holder that is willing to serve the Lord with all his heart, might and mind. He was called today as the Elders Quorum President in our Ward and I know that he will be faithful and hardworking.

03.  to be able to strengthen our family while making memories as we spend time together, both our little family and extended family.

04.  to be able to have the missionaries in our home for dinner. When we do, I think to the future when my children will be on missions and others will be doing the same for them. 

05.  to be able to teach my children the Gospel. And for them to do or say things that make me aware that they are listening and watching closely.

06.  that although Oak is getting 4 teeth at once that you wouldn't be able to tell. She is just such a happy, sweet (and sometimes a little wild) girl.

07.  to see, play and decorate cookies with friends this week that we haven't seen in awhile. I am grateful that we met and became friends while we served in the Spanish Branch.

08.  for love and support from family and friends when it comes to adoption and infertility and that I have had very few instances where someone I know has been rude or inconsiderate on purpose about our circumstances.

09. for the blessings that come from attending the Temple and the opportunities that have presented themselves for us to be able to make 3 trips in in a matter of 6 weeks.

10.  for my firm testimony of the Gospel and that I have a loving Heavenly Father and Savior who bless my life.

Pumpkin Patch!

One of my very favorite traditions is going to the Pumpkin Patch every October. We have made so many memories with many people over the years, although the last two years we have just gone by ourselves. This last year we added a tradition, which was to go through the corn maze. McCoy has taken an interest in doing mazes in books so he thought that it was pretty cool to be able to actually walk through one.

Waiting in line to go on the tractor hay ride.

On the hay ride.

He gives me butterflies! Love this man!

Miss Oak loved the hayride.

And so did Mac.

Oh my she is adorable!!

We have a rule that if you can't carry it you can't have it. This was Mac's pumpkin, but he still thought that it was too big to carry.

We found just the perfect pumpkin for Oak to carry. She took it very seriously and became quite possessive of her little pumpkin.

I have a cute little family.

Looking at this picture I wonder if he will have one more of us next year in our pumpkin patch picture.

His cuteness pretty much makes my heart melt.

Love that I am in a picture with my kids. Don't love how old I am looking.

These next few photos of Oak with her Daddy really warm my heart.

Is this not just so adorable and sweet?!

She was trying to figure out what he was chewing, which was gum.

She is perfect in every way!

A tunnel in the corn maze.

About to start the corn maze. We only made it through half the corn maze because of time and Mac was tired and all the walking was making it worse.

Love make memories with my family!

The Adjustable Heart

A repost from November 2008 ~ I read this today and felt a need to share it again.

This picture is one of our engagement pictures taken just three months before we were married. It is really hard to look at us then and think that we had no idea of the hard roads we would travel as eternal companions. One of those rough, and very long roads is our struggle with infertility.

This road started only about 6 months after we were married, and even then we didn't know it was to leave a very permanent mark on our lives. We had to experience a lot through this trial to come to the decision to choose adoption as our path to parenthood. That is right, we CHOSE adoption, it was NOT a last resort. And it should never be considered that. It is a very sacred, endearing, and perfect way to become parents.

Every couple that may find themselves in the fire of infertility will have to make changes in themselves before the choice to adopt is right for them and their family. Adoption does not solve or cure infertility or the baggage that it brings with it.

The choice to adopt comes after, much heartache, much learning, much patience, much praying, much understanding, and much change.

~~~

The Adjustable Heart:
Approaching the Decision to Adopt After Infertility
By John K. Kurkjian, Psy.D., Adoptive Families May/June 1998

John is a clinical psychologist in group practice with CPG Behavior Health Resources in West Hartford, CT and adoptive dad of two.

Infertility is a grueling experience, one that represents such an insult to one's senses of self, and of the "life plan," that couples find themeselves drawn into a grim battle to undo its trauma. Along the way, they often lose track of the original goal, which was to expand their family. Instead they often descend into a contorted version of their original quest, the war to "achiece a pregnancy."

As couples proceed through treatment, and as their likelihood of having a biological child dwindles, they must engage in another difficult process of grieving the child that will never be and beginning to consider whether or not they could possibly see themselves as adoptive parents.

Biological parenting often occurs with much less anguish, much less thought and preparation. It seems as if, at a certain point, children of biological parents are automatically "installed." For perspective adoptive parents, the process to expand the family is much more complicated. While they have many painful, negative aspects, it also represents an opportunity for these couples to "make virtue of necessity," by entering the role of parenting far more mindful of the choices they are making and far more prepared to accept the responsibilities ahead.

I believe that there are three stages couples with infertility pass through in moving toward decisions about adoption.1. MOVING TOWARD GOOD-BYE": Letting Go of One's Biological Child
Prospective adoptive parents often hear the stern, grim dictate to "resolve the loss of the biological child" before seriously considering (or being considered for) the adoption process. It almost sounds as if the resolution is a "product," with a certain date of attainment, like finishing college, or, come to think of it, delivering a baby. As one who has dealt with infertility and gone on to become an adoptive parent, resolution seems to be less of a product and more of a process, something that is worked with over time, and never 100 perfectly accomplished. If you had a baby that died, would you be expected never to miss that child before thinking of expanding your family? For couples who have coped with infertility, death is the closest thing they can equate with their loss.

Still, there is the need to have turned the corner in the grieving process, to have moved to the point where the child adopted will be loved for herself, not as a "stand in" for the lost biological child. Couples moving closer to this goal often have a clearer distinction between these two children. For instance, they may have picked out certain names for their biological child. As they consider a child to adopt they often begin to generate new names. They may begin to picture a child who looks different from themselves and from the baby they did not have biologically. There is also the beginning of a "parting company" with the biological child, a somehow more tangible sense of saying "good-bye."

To help myself with this part of the process, I wrote a song, the final verse of which goes like this:

• As important as it has been to conceive a child, it has somehow become even more important to parent one.
• As important as it has been to carry a baby to term, it has somehow become even more important to rock one to sleep.
• And maybe most of all, as important as it has been to pass on your genes, it has somehow become even more important to pass on your love.

So good-bye Greg--or was it Dorothy?
Good-bye to who you were to be
For all of life tou will not see, I;m sorry
Through never here, now in my past
Like a flame never burned,
Still a shadow cast
Now I lay you down at last, Good-bye.

2. CONSIDERING A NEW CHILD: Accepting the Differences Between Adoptive and Biological Parenting
On a day-to-day level, the similarities between raising a child who is adopted and a child who is born to you are overwhelming, and it is very easy to forget the differences. After all, their cries are identically shrill; their smiles are equally luminous. You dress a baby who is adopted exactly as you would a baby who came to you biologically. A number of years ago, my son's pediatrician noted some similarity between Jay and me, and I had to remind both her and myself that he was adopted!

With parenting, there is such a complete sense of immersion that it is easy to forget about adoption and adoption issues. But aside from this familiarity, there can also be a hidden wish to deny the difference between biological and adoptive parenting, perhaps as a way to keep the trauma of infertility behind.

The denial can be costly, because there are many important differences that will be experienced both by us and our children over the entire life of the family. Among them are our children's different genetic and historical heritages, and their special issues of loss and identity. To deny our own losses, and issues, might send a message to our children that these differences are too painful to tolerate and come to terms with.

3. MOVING TOWARD HELLO: Assuming the Role of Adoptive Parents
As we begin to recognize the differences between biological and adoptive parenting, we are in a better position to decide whether or not we can assume the role of adoptive parents. Are we ready to accept the scrutiny of a home study? Can we see the process as preparation for parenthood, rather than as an inquisition? Are we able to look at the process as an "adoptive pregnancy," comparable to a biological one?

Where there are vast differences, there are also some surprising similarities. One can see "trimesters" in 1) the application process, 2) the home study process, and 3) the wait for arrival. There are moments of great excitement and anticipation, as well as moments of terror, not only of the adoption not coming to fruition, but of what life will be like when it does. Prospective parents often sense an exhilarating shift in mind-set--for the first time in years they again come to believe that they are going to be parents. Then, there is the overwhelmingly poignant experience of the homecoming--the joyful celebration with family and friends who have been pulling for you along the way. When Emily Sung, our Korean-born daughter arrived, our friends held a welcoming party, complete with a banner that proclaimed: "You're Come a Long Way, Baby!"

Thoughts on #3

Mac singing "I Am A Child Of God" to Oak.

So maybe a month ago, I was talking to my neighbor while the kids were outside playing. I don't remember how the conversation turned to this, but I had told her that I was no where near ready for a third although I know there WILL be a third. And I really meant that when I said it!

I wasn't feeling ready emotional and I knew/know we aren't ready financially. It still felt exhausting having two kids. It felt totally fine to think of our third not coming for a few years.

Then a week later I went to the General Relief Society Broadcast and while sitting there listening I got side swiped by baby hunger. When I got home, Hubs asked me what I got out of the broadcast, and my answer was "I am now baby hungry". And then I was a little shocked when he shared with me a little experience he had (it's not mine to share) that made us both wonder if it is time to start working on adding to our family again.

I am not sure I am ready for this emotional roller coaster that goes along with adoption and infertility. But the hunger and feelings are getting stronger and I know our family is ready for another baby.

YIKES! I can't believe I am saying that!

I don't really know what the future holds, I don't know when we will start the adoption process. But I do know that I am trying to push away the heartache of infertility this time (easier said than done) and pay attention to the promptings to help us find our next little one.

spunky brewster...

Her curls. Sometimes her hair is curlier than this and sometimes it is straighter.

This is pretty much how you will see her if she is tired. Bear and thumb in mouth.

And see the owie on her forehead. She fell when standing on the down slope of the driveway and decided to lean over to grab her shoes. She face planted. It was sad!

Loves her babies!

She has just discovered these and wants me to put them on her numerous times a day.

 

Trying to keep her occupied with the tupperware drawer while I make dinner.

She is really funny in that she will just go and find a place and just sit. Usually it is a little bit more secluded but she decided that this place wars good for now.

Cute girl, silly face.

She has taken to the snack bench. She looks like such a big girl!

She LOVES her new water bottle!

precious...

Not sure there is anything more precious than this...

Is he not just the cutest red head you have ever seen?

Love my boy!!

What we loved about summer:

.  playing outside everyday with our neighbor boys.
.  riding bikes everyday.
.  going on walks everyday.
.   eating dinner on our deck.
.   fresh air
.   shorts and sandals.
.   going hiking.
.   going to the lake house.
.   going to the coast.

But we are ready to enjoy the cool, wet, fall!

At the end of September we met up with some friends at a park and the weather was awesome. It was one of the last really warm days we had this summer. Since we were so close to Old Navy we stopped in and then had to go and check out the fountain in the mall courtyard.