five months, feelings and happenings...

Today marks five months since we were approved to adopt. This day is significant because on our five month mark the first time we were approved was the day we found out about Mac. So tomorrow will officially be the longest we have waited for any of our babies. I am okay with it to a degree since I have had the feeling that this time it will take much longer. But it still makes me anxious, since we have had no contact at all from an expectant parent.

The first few month of being approved I had more anxiety about that fact that we weren't physically ready for a baby to join our family. Like we didn't have a big enough vehicle to fit another car seat, and the expense seemed overwhelming to think about buying more diapers and formula. So the wait was tolerable and I welcomed it. But we now have a minivan and Oak is potty trained and we just feel physically ready  now. We are also about to convert Oak to a big girl bed so the crib will even be ready soon.

I don't feel hopeless about the wait, but I just feel anxious. And this may sound a bit weird, but I would like to have some sort of contact from an expectant parent even if it doesn't work out. I just want to feel like we are being considered and that we are still working towards something. I know that the Heavenly Father's hand is creating our story, and I am trying to remember and have faith in that. He did it two other times for us and He will do it again.

On another note, lately our infertility has made me a bit sad, not depressed, just sad. I feel like I am revisiting old feelings and the loss of what I will never get to experience, and having to grieve again about it. And the hardest part is that I feel totally guilty about it. I feel like I don't have the right to be sad about it because I am incredibly blessed. And I really thought that I had healed way more than this. And the guilt has been the hardest thing to work through. My sadness isn't even as intense as it has been in years past. It has just brought a heaviness to my heart and then when I realize that my heart is heavy I feel guilty which feels suffocating. I feel like I am going in circles. These feelings haven't taken me over or my life so in whole I am doing good.

Thankfully I have a lot to distract me, that helps A LOT! And actually we are doing really good and we are happy as a family. To prove that, here are a few little happenings...

*Pretty consistently we have been reading the scriptures (not the scripture reader) as a family at night before the kids go to bed and then saying family prayer. And then we always do a family hug, which I think the kids like the most.

*My SIL found out she is having a baby boy! I am so excited! I was hoping for a girl so that Oak would have a girl cousin close in age, but I had a feeling it would be a boy. She posted ultrasound pics on her blog and oh my his little feet are so adorable. We are all excited for him to come in March. Mac especially keeps talking about his new baby boy cousin who he has named Junior. lol.

*Oak had a fever with no other symptoms except a little more irritable for five days straight. I thought that it might be Roseola or a UTI or maybe an ear infection. But like I said she had no other symptoms so I never took her in. She never ended up with Roseola so I don't know what it could have been.

*I have been making Mac take naps again, and it has been so nice to have that alone time during the day to relax. Although I should be doing housework instead, haha.

*I have been watching the series Once Upon A Time on Netflix and I have really liked it. I also just noticed that the added new episodes to Switched At Birth, which I had been watching during the summer.

*I deactivated my Facebook account. I have gone back and forth for months about doing it, but then I always talk myself out of it, because I worry that we may miss a contact from someone about an expectant mother looking to place their baby for adoption. But I at least feel okay to do it for now. We will see how long it lasts.

*We went to the Pumpkin Patch and I will have pics up of that soon.

*Mac is loving Preschool!! I love that he loves it so much. So far I have decided to give him chance at the local elementary school for Kindergarten next year just to see how he does. Although I won't be letting him ride the bus. He is very impressionable especially when it comes to things that are not good and I feel the need to protect him from unnecessary bad influences.

*I had a pretty big health concern recently and after going to the doctor and then to another doctor for some tests all is fine and I am so happy because it was a big weight on my shoulders for a couple of weeks.

*We received the sweetest letter from Hubs's Mission President thanking us for coming to his wife's funeral. It was a standard letter he sent to everyone, but it was so meaningful and beautiful.

*Voting time! I don't like politics and don't ever want to talk to anyone about politics except my husband. But I am excited to vote, especially in this election. My hubby has his done, he is just waiting for me to fill my ballot out so we can drop it off.

*Mac has been drawing picture,. cutting them out and hanging them all over the house. It is adorable! I love it!

*I finally got our garage cleaned up a bit. It was trashed from all the summer playing and gardening.

*Did I mention that Oak is potty trained?!?! Like everything, day and night. I don't even worry about taking her anywhere in underwear anymore. I haven't changed a diaper in two weeks. That is the first time in almost five years. That is crazy! I kinda hope that I get to start changing diapers again really soon, but hope it is on our next baby.

*Oak is obsessed with wearing her OSU Beaver shirts all the time. It is kinda cute!

That is all I can think of at the moment. Sorry