"The Adjustable Heart"

I wanted to make sure I posted about ADOPTION one more time before the month is over. I have been trying to write this post for awhile, but it always seems to take me forever to translate my thoughts and feeling into words that others will understand.

This picture is one of our engagement pictures taken just three months before we were married. It is really hard to look at us then and think that we had no idea of the hard roads we would travel as eternal companions. One of those rough, and very long roads is our struggle with infertility.

This road started only about 6 months after we were married, and even then we didn't know it was to leave a very permanent mark on our lives. We had to experience a lot through this trial to come to the decision to choose adoption as our path to parenthood. That is right, we CHOSE adoption, it was NOT a last resort. And it should never be considered that. It is a very sacred, endearing, and perfect way to become parents.

Every couple that may find themselves in the fire of infertility will have to make changes in themselves before the choice to adopt is right for them and their family. Adoption does not solve or cure infertility or the baggage that it brings with it.

The choice to adopt comes after, much heartache, much learning, much patience, much praying, much understanding, and much change.

~~~

The Adjustable Heart:
Approaching the Decision to Adopt After Infertility
By John K. Kurkjian, Psy.D., Adoptive Families May/June 1998

John is a clinical psychologist in group practice with CPG Behavior Health Resources in West Hartford, CT and adoptive dad of two.

Infertility is a grueling experience, one that represents such an insult to one's senses of self, and of the "life plan," that couples find themeselves drawn into a grim battle to undo its trauma. Along the way, they often lose track of the original goal, which was to expand their family. Instead they often descend into a contorted version of their original quest, the war to "achiece a pregnancy."

As couples proceed through treatment, and as their likelihood of having a biological child dwindles, they must engage in another difficult process of grieving the child that will never be and beginning to consider whether or not they could possibly see themselves as adoptive parents.

Biological parenting often occurs with much less anguish, much less thought and preparation. It seems as if, at a certain point, children of biological parents are automatically "installed." For perspective adoptive parents, the process to expand the family is much more complicated. While they have many painful, negative aspects, it also represents an opportunity for these couples to "make virtue of necessity," by entering the role of parenting far more mindful of the choices they are making and far more prepared to accept the responsibilities ahead.

I believe that there are three stages couples with infertility pass through in moving toward decisions about adoption.
1. MOVING TOWARD GOOD-BYE": Letting Go of One's Biological Child
Prospective adoptive parents often hear the stern, grim dictate to "resolve the loss of the biological child" before seriously considering (or being considered for) the adoption process. It almost sounds as if the resolution is a "product," with a certain date of attainment, like finishing college, or, come to think of it, delivering a baby. As one who has dealt with infertility and gone on to become an adoptive parent, resolution seems to be less of a product and more of a process, something that is worked with over time, and never 100 perfectly accomplished. If you had a baby that died, would you be expected never to miss that child before thinking of expanding your family? For couples who have coped with infertility, death is the closest thing they can equate with their loss.

Still, there is the need to have turned the corner in the grieving process, to have moved to the point where the child adopted will be loved for herself, not as a "stand in" for the lost biological child. Couples moving closer to this goal often have a clearer distinction between these two children. For instance, they may have picked out certain names for their biological child. As they consider a child to adopt they often begin to generate new names. They may begin to picture a child who looks different from themselves and from the baby they did not have biologically. There is also the beginning of a "parting company" with the biological child, a somehow more tangible sense of saying "good-bye."

To help myself with this part of the process, I wrote a song, the final verse of which goes like this:

• As important as it has been to conceive a child, it has somehow become even more important to parent one.
• As important as it has been to carry a baby to term, it has somehow become even more important to rock one to sleep.
• And maybe most of all, as important as it has been to pass on your genes, it has somehow become even more important to pass on your love.

So good-bye Greg--or was it Dorothy?
Good-bye to who you were to be
For all of life tou will not see, I;m sorry
Through never here, now in my past
Like a flame never burned,
Still a shadow cast
Now I lay you down at last, Good-bye.

2. CONSIDERING A NEW CHILD: Accepting the Differences Between Adoptive and Biological Parenting
On a day-to-day level, the similarities between raising a child who is adopted and a child who is born to you are overwhelming, and it is very easy to forget the differences. After all, their cries are identically shrill; their smiles are equally luminous. You dress a baby who is adopted exactly as you would a baby who came to you biologically. A number of years ago, my son's pediatrician noted some similarity between Jay and me, and I had to remind both her and myself that he was adopted!

With parenting, there is such a complete sense of immersion that it is easy to forget about adoption and adoption issues. But aside from this familiarity, there can also be a hidden wish to deny the difference between biological and adoptive parenting, perhaps as a way to keep the trauma of infertility behind.

The denial can be costly, because there are many important differences that will be experienced both by us and our children over the entire life of the family. Among them are our children's different genetic and historical heritages, and their special issues of loss and identity. To deny our own losses, and issues, might send a message to our children that these differences are too painful to tolerate and come to terms with.

3. MOVING TOWARD HELLO: Assuming the Role of Adoptive Parents
As we begin to recognize the differences between biological and adoptive parenting, we are in a better position to decide whether or not we can assume the role of adoptive parents. Are we ready to accept the scrutiny of a home study? Can we see the process as preparation for parenthood, rather than as an inquisition? Are we able to look at the process as an "adoptive pregnancy," comparable to a biological one?

Where there are vast differences, there are also some surprising similarities. One can see "trimesters" in 1) the application process, 2) the home study process, and 3) the wait for arrival. There are moments of great excitement and anticipation, as well as moments of terror, not only of the adoption not coming to fruition, but of what life will be like when it does. Prospective parents often sense an exhilarating shift in mind-set--for the first time in years they again come to believe that they are going to be parents. Then, there is the overwhelmingly poignant experience of the homecoming--the joyful celebration with family and friends who have been pulling for you along the way. When Emily Sung, our Korean-born daughter arrived, our friends held a welcoming party, complete with a banner that proclaimed: "You're Come a Long Way, Baby!"

Things Mac...

The 11 1/2 Month edition...

Mac is really changing and learning so much. He makes me laugh a lot, and he just is quite the character. I wish most people could see how he acts at home, because it is totally different than when we go anywhere. It always takes him time to get used to being somewhere else besides home. And when he finally gets comfortable he just has a lot of fun. Love this boy!
So here are some things as of late, so that I don't forget!

• Just yesterday he stated pointing to his eye when we ask him to. Sometimes he will point to his ear or nose, but most of the time he gets it right.

• He loves to play ball. He is good at rolling it back, but loves to throw it more.

• He just started signing EAT this last week.

• He loves to throw anything he can get his hands on. He prefers to throw when he has one thing in each hand, I guess it is more fun that way. And then he will keep picking what ever it is up and and throwing it again.

• He is getting to be a pretty good problem solver, he doesn't let much get in the way of what he wants. If something rolls under the entertainment center, he will lay on his tummy and look under there then start reaching until he gets it.

• This week he all of a sudden loves to say and wave HI and BYE.

• When I ask him to say a word, he usually will try. Although it doesn't sound much like the word, but you can tell that that is what he is trying to do.

• He can copy sounds we make, or the sounds letters make from Leap Frogs Letter Factory.

• He LOVES cars and trucks and anything with wheels or makes a really loud sound. When he sees on TV or outside or in his book, or even when he is playing with them, he will make a vrooming sound that most of the time sounds like a grunt.

• He loves to play with anything and everything that he can't or shouldn't play with. This keeps me busy all day long.

• He refuses to drink his milk from a sippy cup. If I give him one during the day, he just bites on it and makes a huge mess. And if I try to give him one when he wakes up at 4am he throws a complete fit, and it takes him awhile to calm down enough to take his actually bottle.

• He has been a trooper with taking his naps and going to bed at night without a bottle. He has done this all week.

• He LOVES blankets and cuddling with them, or attacking them by rolling and biting them.

• He is getting really good at independent play. He will play with his toys by himself for sometimes a half hour.

• He loves books, sometimes more than toys. He loves to turn the pages and point to everything. Some days he won't get a single toy out of his baskets. He will pull every book out of the book basket and look at them all day. Today has been one of those days.

• He loves to carry things around in his mouth when he is crawling around.

• He is a gagger (just like me). And he has a sensitive stomach to it. He will throw up sometimes just because he has gagged on medicine or what ever it is. Sometime just putting his bottle in his mouth makes him gag. He has had a bad cough this last week and the first few days he was throwing up when he would get a bad fit, because either he would cough so hard, or the yucky stuff at the back of his throat would do it.

• He LOVES his Daddy. When Hubs gets home from work, Mac gets the biggest smile and then becomes really clinging to him. He won't let Hubs out of his sight. He get whiny when he can't see him or if Hubs walks right by him and doesn't pick him up.

• He has all of a sudden decided that it is ok to walk with his push toy. He has refused to even try it until this week. He also still refuses to try to stand on his own, it scares him a little I think.

Here are some pictures to prove some of the above mentioned!

nap time...

Since Mac has been able to hold his own bottle, we kindof got him into the bad habit of giving a bottle to fall asleep with. Another reason we have been doing this is because he gets so distracted outside of his crib that he wouldn't finish his bottle before we laid him down. But I haven't been too worried about it because on occasion he will fall asleep without one or he will finish his bottle then fall asleep.
In the last few weeks, Mac will lay on the floor cuddled up in his favorite blanket (thanks Rosie) and if we turn one of his videos on or some cartoons he will actually lay there and drink his full bottle without moving. So this week I have actually been trying to be vigilant in giving him a bottle before his nap and then letting him cry it out. He has been doing pretty good with it to. I feel hope!
Now for the picture...
Mac was fussing and it was about time for his nap so I laid him down on the floor with his bottle and turned on PBS kids. I try to stay away, as to not distract him. And then all of a sudden I looked over and he had fallen asleep on the floor. I just left him there and he slept there for about 40 minutes. Which as of late seems to be normal for a nap length for him.
I just thought that it was a cute Mac moment!

FIRE and WATER...

That's what the hippie-dude, standing behind me in line at the store, said yesterday about Mac's hair and eyes.

And I thought that it was pretty cool!

Look at those eyes, love them! They seem to be getting bluer.

His cheeks are so red from chewing on everything in site, he has very sensitive skin.

But isn't he just so stinkin cute?

I love how he is pulling his hair in this one.

That smile!

On the MEND...

Photo taken at grandma & grandpa W's house, loving Benji the dog.

I think Mac is finally on the mend...or at least that is my hope!

Every since he had is flu shot over two weeks ago, he has constantly been sick with one thing or another. The last few days we have been fighting severe diaper rash (hence the naked bottom in the picture) due to having diarrhea for at least a week. We have also been dealing with some sort of Jekyll and Hyde syndrome, I am assuming due to when he is and isn't feeling good. But today he seems to be all Mr. Hyde, thank goodness, since Hubs is back at work today. I talked to a nurse this weekend about the big D and she said to get him some Culturelle (probiaotic). He didn't have any other major symptoms of anything, he was eating just fine and wasn't dehydrated or lethargic. So we got some and tried it, after two full days and two doses, we are coming upon something a little more solid in his diapers, which seems to irritate a little less too. We are still doing some "commando" sessions after he does his duty (I don't want to clean that off the floor). And thankfully we have hard floors, so I just rolled up our area rug and off he goes, and I only have to clean up maybe one piddle puddle every time.

But both Mac and I will be glad when the sore bum is totally gone!

11 Months...

Every month when it hits the 14th, I can hardly believe that another month has gone by. Mac's first year is flying by and it doesn't make me very happy, I want him to be my baby forever. I guess he will in a way.

My baby boy is 11 months, one month away form turning one!

He is a crazy funny little boy, and has so much energy. He is changing so quickly and becoming more of a toddler everyday. He isn't anywhere near walking, he won't even stand yet. I think he is more scared of it than anything. He loves to get into everything that is in eye view. And he doesn't forget where the "fun" things are, even if I try to block them, or hide them. He is now reaching onto tables and pulling anything down that he can. I feel like it won't be long before he starts climbing up on things. He can however climb the stairs pretty quickly. He loves to roll the ball back and forth with us. Although last night when he would get it he would bite on to it and let go of it then shake his head back and forth, we were in hysterics, so funny. Speaking of biting, I believe that I will be "the Mother of the little boy that bites and hits". For some reason, hoping it is just teething, he wants to bite everything in site, including us. Even with setting him, down and telling him NO, he comes back for more and more and more. He is ravenous! And then he sometimes gets mad if you won't let him pull your hair or skin or bite and he will grunt and then hit you. I seriously don't know where that came from, I really hope he grows out of it! Onto eating, still not a very good eater, although yesterday he ate something that I had given him before and he hated. So I guess we are making a little bit of progress. Even with all of that, he is so the sweetest little thing, and we love him more than you could imagine! We love the little bit of cuddling that he is just starting to do. We love when he wants just us, and nothing else will do. We love that big, cheesy smile he gives us when he is excited to see us. We love his adorable red hair that fits his spunky personality. We love him to pieces!

P.S. I took these pictures yesterday just for fun, but they may end up being his 11 month pictures. They turned out really cute and his face is broken out in his biting rash, so he has a little rosey spot on both sides of his mouth. I will try to be way more formal with his ONE year pictures next month.

To Grandmother's house we go...

We literaly pass these signs on the way to my parents house, Mac's grandma and grandpa.

I think it is time to do a Things Mac post...

*Mac is all of a sudden starting to copy things we do. He can click his tounge, smack his lips, and copy some sounds when we do them. He loves to say "bye bye" and to clap his hands.

*When you ask "Where's Mac?" He puts both of his arms up in the air, so cute!

*He is starting to hold on to things with just one hand, but not letting go to stand on his own.

*He is literally attached to me at the hip almost all the time. Especially when he is grumpy and sick.

*He got his Flu shot last week and took it really well, no crying at all. But he ended up with a really high fever(101-104) later that night and all night into the next day.

*As soon as he got better from his Flu shot he had one really good day and the next he started a cold and has had a runny, stuffy nose for the rest of the week.

*Since he has been sick he has refused to eat any food except for formula. He will put it in his mouth and spit it out, even his favorite bread and bananas.

*We finally got his Blessing Certificate.

*We love him to pieces!!

Different Trips to the Same Place...

Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place, you've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.
So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you; you'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait--and wait--and wait.Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax. You'll get on a flight soon." Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It's not fair!"
After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat."
"By BOAT!" you say. "Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.
It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip.
Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with other who also traveled by sea rather then by air.
People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are about to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea is so easy."
You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you get there, but in the place itself.

By Diane Armitage printed in the April 21, 1995 "Dear Abby" column.

"Everything to Me"

Mark Shultz is a christian singer and he is also ADOPTED.

This song brings me to tears!

Although our placement was very different...

C put Mac in his car seat.

We all stood around him and Hubs said a prayer

and we all walked out of the hospital together.

Everyone's lives forever changed!

How we love our beautiful C!

National Adoption Month

November is NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH!

It makes me smile that there is a whole month devoted to just ADOPTION. I feel so fortunate to be apart of the adoption community and to get to feel first hand all the love and emotion that goes along with growing your family through adoption. I just want to take this opportunity to share my feelings with all my friends and family and all those that may peek at my blog. I feel that it is so important to get a positive message out there about adoption, so if anyone has any questions about adoption or our own story of adoption, I would be happy to answer them.

I can't even begin to tell you EXACTLY how this picture makes me FEEL!

This is our sweet, beautiful, angel "C" holding our Mac right before we took him home from the hospital. I feel so fortunate that we had about 5 months before Mac was born to get to know C pretty well. But it also made it that much harder to watch her go through the pain and heart ache that goes with placing your child. After leaving the hospital with our son, I could not think about C or what had just happened with adopting Mac with out crying. It is a very unique experience to feel so incredibly happy and so incredibly heartbroken at the same time. How I love and admire C for her vision, for her beautiful, selfless heart, for her sincere love and concern for Mac, for her desire to do the right thing for her son, and for just loving Mac enough to put him before her own comfort and desires. I think about and pray for C every single day! And my love for her is as deep as it is for Mac. I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to keep in contact with C often. It makes us so happy to know that she is doing so well, and to know that her future is bright as Heavenly Father is surely blessing her for the sacrifice she has made for our sweet Mac.

C, I hope that you know how much you are loved by not only us, but our extended family. Mac will always know your great love for him. You are our hero!

Saying THANK YOU is just not enough!

 

After so many years of crying and yearning for this day, it felt so surreal when it finally happened. Especially in the manner of which it happened. This picture is of us seeing and holding our son for the first time. Mac was only about 30 minutes old and you could feel his sweet spirit and we knew something wonderful was happening right before our eyes. We knew this beautiful little baby boy was OUR son. We had to wait along time for him, but all the pain and heartache we felt from our infertility was worth it and we would go through it a million more times for this unique and amazing experience. I know without a doubt that Mac was to come to us in the way he came to us, when he was supposed to come to us. There was no other way! Mac is almost one and this day has been on my mind alot. I can't believe that I have had the great privilege to be Mac's mother and that it never would have happened without our C.

Making Mac ours FOREVER was a dream come true!

The day was more special than I could have ever imagined. Being able to have my family forever is so important to me. And to be able to share that with so many family and friends was a special experience. The moment I walked into the sealing room, I started balling (I remember doing the same thing when Hubs and I were married and sealed). To be able to look across at my sweet husband and then over at my beautiful son and to know that we were a forever family was such a peaceful and satisfying feeling.

And the icing on the cake was seeing C and having her parents attend the sealing. We had the opportunity to spend a little bit of time with them before we were supposed to get ready for our sealing. And I will treasure those moments of getting to see them interact with Mac forever. I know having them there will always be special for Mac, because he will know that they all loved him enough to let him have an eternal family with a Mother and Father. I will never forget what C said to me as we had to say goodbye. She was crying and she hugged me and told me that it made her so happy to know that we all got what we wanted. Oh my beautiful C, how we LOVE YOU!


The opportunity to grow our family through adoption is truly a blessing I am so grateful for! I love being Mac's mother, I love watching my husband be the best father he can be. I love watching Mac grow and learn, although it breaks my heart at how fast that is happening right before my eyes. We want the world for Mac. I pray everyday that we can do our best at raising Mac to be proud of where he came from.
We can't wait until we have the opportunity again to grow our family through adoption. And we pray that it will happen in Heavenly Father's time, not ours.


Please be an advocate for adoption!
If you have the opportunity...
Help single women in unplanned pregnancies realize that there is another option out there for them.
Be supportive to adoptive couples who struggle with infertility by being sensitive and aware of their very tender feelings.

FIRST Halloween!

Partying at our Ward/Branch Halloween Exrtavaganza!

Trick-Or-Treating

All Done!


Eating one of his TREATS, a giant Otter-Pop. Daddy gladly helped finish it off!



What a cute little Monkey. I was so glad tha I decided on him being a monkey, because first off he is just too cute in it and second his absolutly favorite food is BANANAS.