First off I want to make sure you all know that I am fine, it really is nothing to worry about. And I want to thank everyone who was and is concerned about me. I love knowing that there are actually people out there who want to make sure that I am OK and who care about me. I also really didn't mean to make anyone concerned, I just was trying to give a brief explanation so people didn't wonder where the heck I was at, especially since I was totally on a roll with updating.
Let me see if I can kind of explain what I think is going on with me. I had been thinking about this break for a couple of days before I announced it. I hadn't really talked to my husband about it, because honestly I didn't really know where all the emotions were coming from and I didn't know exactly what I was feeling. I did however realize that the emotions I was feeling were actually ballooning when I was blogging, or looking at blogs. So I figured that I needed to take a break to figure out exactly what was going on with me. So I sat down with my awesome, wonderful husband, who always knows exactly what to say to me and help me figure out my thoughts when they are all jumbled up. The first thing he told me is that I can't stop blogging, it is our family journal and how we mostly keep in contact with Mac's Birthmother. I assured him that I would not stop updating "C"s blog. Then he started picking at my brain, and we had a long talk (while Mac was taking a long nap). And then I have had a few days to think about it all and this is what I came up with. I am only hoping that it kind of makes sense, I am not that great at putting my thoughts into words.
Adoption is not a "cure" for infertility! It is a cure for childlessness, and a great one at that! When you adopt your children, you don't leave behind the fact that you still can't have children on your own. To be honest I am actually about 90% OK with never being pregnant and not having biological children. But there is still that 10% that still will jump out and make me miserable, that tugs at my heart every time I hear someone is pregnant, that makes me drown a little in my sorrows. And I think that I have been trying to pretend to myself that I don't really feel like that, that I am holding it all together. Because if I didn't, than I fail, I let Satan win, that I am not excepting the road and plan that Heavenly Father has for me. The fact is that it does hurt sometimes, but that doesn't mean that I don't except my life. I love my life, I love that we are one of the lucky ones that get to experience adoption as a means of growing our family. (Those of you who don't get to experience that, you are REALLY missing out!) But still that doesn't take away the fact that we suffer from infertility, and that infertility is really hard to deal with.
Since Mac came into our lives through adoption, I guess I have put most of my emotions on the back burner. Our goal was to be parents, to raise a family, and we finally had that. So I guess I have been ignoring the initial reason that we had Mac in our arms in the first place. As we decided that we would start the adoption process again, the reality of it all hit at once. The stress and unknown that goes with adoption came to the surface. The frustrations of watching everyone else just think about having a baby and bam, they are pregnant. No having to save fore years just so you have barely enough money to pay for the expenses of adoption. No wondering how long it is going to take for some one to make you a mother or father. No worries that that person might change their mind at the last minute. No worries about how long it will take to get your background check done and to have complete strangers know every detail of your life. No having to fill out answers to a million questions and have your home scrutinized to make sure that you are fit parents. It is all very draining and sometimes a little discouraging.
But the essence of adoption is awesome! And we are really excited to do it again. We are excited to watch our family grow through this miracle. We are excited to watch prayers answered, ours, and those of our birthfamily. We are excited to see what kind of relationship we will have with our child's birthfamily. We are excited to hold our new little one, when ever that may be.
We are blessed!
I am not sure if any of that made sense or I explained everything that I am feeling. But it will have to do for now.
November is National Adoption Month and I want to spend the month, when I have the time, devoting my blog to adoption.
I hope to be able to finish Mac's adoption story.
Link you to some awesome articles.
Link you to some awesome people who are waiting to adopt.
Maybe even share a few adoption stories of other adoptive families.
11 comments:
This is a great post Brenley. It is hard to be infertile even when you are okay with not getting pregnant. It's crazy how it sneaks on in every now and again.
Lots of love to you!
Sorry I have been terrible about commenting, but I love your blog! And i love reading about little McCoy.
It's hard to explain these feelings to other people, especially if they've never had to face infertility.
The pain and fear that comes with infertility never fully leaves you. Especially when you're once again faced with the Lord's call to add to your family. It's heartbreaking to know that you have to face those things all over again and you can't just "have another baby" the way everyone else seems to.
And even when you do have success, be it through pregnancy or adoption, there's still the dreams you had to learn to let go of. A church pew full of stair-step children who all look alike. I wanted five. Now I'm realizing that two may just have to be it for us and that kills me. I look at big families, and despite the miracles we've had with Julia's adoption and this pregnancy, it still hurts like crazy. The kicker is that it will sneak up on you completely out of nowhere and just broadside you.
It's hard because I'm so excited for you to adopt again but I understand the frustration and pain that comes along with the nagging in the back of your brain "how many more times can we do this? how much more can we take?"
It's sad when you realize that somehow your entire life has been built around body parts the size of grapes.
Hang in there and know I'm praying for you. Let me know when you have your stuff together and I'll staple pass along cards on people's heads out here in PA. :)
Luv ya.
I had those feelings for a long time. It was weird having your children both ways. I must say I never felt like MORE OF A MOM when I gave birth to my other children. I don't feel that my 3 kids are more mine than Zack. We forget that Zack is even adopted sometimes. Now that we have our family I think that we were just supposed to get Zack through a different means. We didn't even try IVF until after we were on the waiting list a year when Zack was 3. I was happy with doing adoption, but I still wondered what it was like to be pregnant. SO when we got that extra money we did IVF I will say that when we adopted it was a wonderful experience. Having the other 3 kids was wonderful, but different. I am so glad we had that experience with Zack. I just wish I could have look into a crystal ball and known what our family was going to be like and what we would go though. I would have saved a lot of tears that way:) I know we can't, but it just wasn't very fun going through all the heartache. I hope that you will get picked soon!
Brenley, everything you've expressed here completely makes sense and is totally normal. I have felt the same exact way about everything you've said. There is a pain that comes with the complexity of infertility that cannot fully be understood unless you've gone through it yourself. There was a period where I also had to stop reading others' blogs... it made me too emotional to see how everyone else seemed to be having their dreams come true and I wondered where mine had gotten lost.
I've been reading the biography of Ardeth Kapp, who as a faithful LDS woman never was blessed with any children. She talks about how even though she knows they won't come until the next life, she has never wanted to lose the desire of having them. I think for a while I thought it would be less painful if I could just lose the desire to be a mother. But, there is an element of faith and hope that keep us alive when we hang onto our most righteous desires, even if they seem near impossible at the moment.
I hope your heart finds the peace and comfort you're seeking, that you'll be reassured by the Lord of His plan for you, and that your plans to adopt will all come together smoothly.
This talk always boosts me up when I'm feeling discouraged about having a family - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mdlnxr10Ds0
Thanks for sharing Brenley. Your strength is amazing! All of what you said made perfect sense. I don't know the struggle of infertility, but I have learned a lot through others struggles. It has helped me to be grateful. It has also opened my eyes to the Lords amazing plan. The Lord put adoption in place to help those who make a mistake, or maybe are hurt, and then they decide to make the right choice and bless another family. If their wasn't anyone who struggled with infertility their wouldn't be a home for so many beautiful children. The Lord gave infertility to the strong ones, not to the weak. You guys are strong and so deserving of another child. I hope the time comes soon! I know your heart aches. Love ya!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts about this subject. It is really difficult for me to share my feelings, and it is great to know that there are others out there who know how I am feeling, even though our situations are different. It helps me to feel braver and more confident. Thank you.
Brenley,
I don't know how you feel. But I do know that you are hurt and in pain. And I also know that I think you and your husband are some of the strongest people I know. And awesome too. I know your feelings are completely natural but I know you will get through this rough spot. Sending you online hugs
Diane
I so agree with what you have written. I was so surprised that infertility would rear it's ugly head at the most unexpected times.
I wish I could send you hugs...
All of those things you worry about are things I worry about too. Especially "what if she changes her mind" or what if we never get picked again." It's not fair. It never will be fair in this life. But despite all of that I too am glad for this path we're on. To see the miracle of adoption first-hand and to be sealed in the temple. It will never be easy to hear about pregnancies and listen quietly while every other women goes on and on about being pregnant, etc...still, for me, adopting Zachary will always be worth it. Good luck and hugs! - Jessica
I am so excited for you two in this process again...I hope it goes smoothly and you don't have to wait too long for your miracle. I hope and pray for you to have a wonderful birth mother!
Perfectly said. I have a hard time explaining how I feel about this (and even though our situations aren't exactly alike, they're similar), and I think you just did a great job.
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