five months, feelings and happenings...

Today marks five months since we were approved to adopt. This day is significant because on our five month mark the first time we were approved was the day we found out about Mac. So tomorrow will officially be the longest we have waited for any of our babies. I am okay with it to a degree since I have had the feeling that this time it will take much longer. But it still makes me anxious, since we have had no contact at all from an expectant parent.

The first few month of being approved I had more anxiety about that fact that we weren't physically ready for a baby to join our family. Like we didn't have a big enough vehicle to fit another car seat, and the expense seemed overwhelming to think about buying more diapers and formula. So the wait was tolerable and I welcomed it. But we now have a minivan and Oak is potty trained and we just feel physically ready  now. We are also about to convert Oak to a big girl bed so the crib will even be ready soon.

I don't feel hopeless about the wait, but I just feel anxious. And this may sound a bit weird, but I would like to have some sort of contact from an expectant parent even if it doesn't work out. I just want to feel like we are being considered and that we are still working towards something. I know that the Heavenly Father's hand is creating our story, and I am trying to remember and have faith in that. He did it two other times for us and He will do it again.

On another note, lately our infertility has made me a bit sad, not depressed, just sad. I feel like I am revisiting old feelings and the loss of what I will never get to experience, and having to grieve again about it. And the hardest part is that I feel totally guilty about it. I feel like I don't have the right to be sad about it because I am incredibly blessed. And I really thought that I had healed way more than this. And the guilt has been the hardest thing to work through. My sadness isn't even as intense as it has been in years past. It has just brought a heaviness to my heart and then when I realize that my heart is heavy I feel guilty which feels suffocating. I feel like I am going in circles. These feelings haven't taken me over or my life so in whole I am doing good.

Thankfully I have a lot to distract me, that helps A LOT! And actually we are doing really good and we are happy as a family. To prove that, here are a few little happenings...

*Pretty consistently we have been reading the scriptures (not the scripture reader) as a family at night before the kids go to bed and then saying family prayer. And then we always do a family hug, which I think the kids like the most.

*My SIL found out she is having a baby boy! I am so excited! I was hoping for a girl so that Oak would have a girl cousin close in age, but I had a feeling it would be a boy. She posted ultrasound pics on her blog and oh my his little feet are so adorable. We are all excited for him to come in March. Mac especially keeps talking about his new baby boy cousin who he has named Junior. lol.

*Oak had a fever with no other symptoms except a little more irritable for five days straight. I thought that it might be Roseola or a UTI or maybe an ear infection. But like I said she had no other symptoms so I never took her in. She never ended up with Roseola so I don't know what it could have been.

*I have been making Mac take naps again, and it has been so nice to have that alone time during the day to relax. Although I should be doing housework instead, haha.

*I have been watching the series Once Upon A Time on Netflix and I have really liked it. I also just noticed that the added new episodes to Switched At Birth, which I had been watching during the summer.

*I deactivated my Facebook account. I have gone back and forth for months about doing it, but then I always talk myself out of it, because I worry that we may miss a contact from someone about an expectant mother looking to place their baby for adoption. But I at least feel okay to do it for now. We will see how long it lasts.

*We went to the Pumpkin Patch and I will have pics up of that soon.

*Mac is loving Preschool!! I love that he loves it so much. So far I have decided to give him chance at the local elementary school for Kindergarten next year just to see how he does. Although I won't be letting him ride the bus. He is very impressionable especially when it comes to things that are not good and I feel the need to protect him from unnecessary bad influences.

*I had a pretty big health concern recently and after going to the doctor and then to another doctor for some tests all is fine and I am so happy because it was a big weight on my shoulders for a couple of weeks.

*We received the sweetest letter from Hubs's Mission President thanking us for coming to his wife's funeral. It was a standard letter he sent to everyone, but it was so meaningful and beautiful.

*Voting time! I don't like politics and don't ever want to talk to anyone about politics except my husband. But I am excited to vote, especially in this election. My hubby has his done, he is just waiting for me to fill my ballot out so we can drop it off.

*Mac has been drawing picture,. cutting them out and hanging them all over the house. It is adorable! I love it!

*I finally got our garage cleaned up a bit. It was trashed from all the summer playing and gardening.

*Did I mention that Oak is potty trained?!?! Like everything, day and night. I don't even worry about taking her anywhere in underwear anymore. I haven't changed a diaper in two weeks. That is the first time in almost five years. That is crazy! I kinda hope that I get to start changing diapers again really soon, but hope it is on our next baby.

*Oak is obsessed with wearing her OSU Beaver shirts all the time. It is kinda cute!

That is all I can think of at the moment. Sorry

The Adjustable Heart

A repost from November 2008 ~ I read this today and felt a need to share it again.

This picture is one of our engagement pictures taken just three months before we were married. It is really hard to look at us then and think that we had no idea of the hard roads we would travel as eternal companions. One of those rough, and very long roads is our struggle with infertility.

This road started only about 6 months after we were married, and even then we didn't know it was to leave a very permanent mark on our lives. We had to experience a lot through this trial to come to the decision to choose adoption as our path to parenthood. That is right, we CHOSE adoption, it was NOT a last resort. And it should never be considered that. It is a very sacred, endearing, and perfect way to become parents.

Every couple that may find themselves in the fire of infertility will have to make changes in themselves before the choice to adopt is right for them and their family. Adoption does not solve or cure infertility or the baggage that it brings with it.

The choice to adopt comes after, much heartache, much learning, much patience, much praying, much understanding, and much change.

~~~

The Adjustable Heart:
Approaching the Decision to Adopt After Infertility
By John K. Kurkjian, Psy.D., Adoptive Families May/June 1998

John is a clinical psychologist in group practice with CPG Behavior Health Resources in West Hartford, CT and adoptive dad of two.

Infertility is a grueling experience, one that represents such an insult to one's senses of self, and of the "life plan," that couples find themeselves drawn into a grim battle to undo its trauma. Along the way, they often lose track of the original goal, which was to expand their family. Instead they often descend into a contorted version of their original quest, the war to "achiece a pregnancy."

As couples proceed through treatment, and as their likelihood of having a biological child dwindles, they must engage in another difficult process of grieving the child that will never be and beginning to consider whether or not they could possibly see themselves as adoptive parents.

Biological parenting often occurs with much less anguish, much less thought and preparation. It seems as if, at a certain point, children of biological parents are automatically "installed." For perspective adoptive parents, the process to expand the family is much more complicated. While they have many painful, negative aspects, it also represents an opportunity for these couples to "make virtue of necessity," by entering the role of parenting far more mindful of the choices they are making and far more prepared to accept the responsibilities ahead.

I believe that there are three stages couples with infertility pass through in moving toward decisions about adoption.1. MOVING TOWARD GOOD-BYE": Letting Go of One's Biological Child
Prospective adoptive parents often hear the stern, grim dictate to "resolve the loss of the biological child" before seriously considering (or being considered for) the adoption process. It almost sounds as if the resolution is a "product," with a certain date of attainment, like finishing college, or, come to think of it, delivering a baby. As one who has dealt with infertility and gone on to become an adoptive parent, resolution seems to be less of a product and more of a process, something that is worked with over time, and never 100 perfectly accomplished. If you had a baby that died, would you be expected never to miss that child before thinking of expanding your family? For couples who have coped with infertility, death is the closest thing they can equate with their loss.

Still, there is the need to have turned the corner in the grieving process, to have moved to the point where the child adopted will be loved for herself, not as a "stand in" for the lost biological child. Couples moving closer to this goal often have a clearer distinction between these two children. For instance, they may have picked out certain names for their biological child. As they consider a child to adopt they often begin to generate new names. They may begin to picture a child who looks different from themselves and from the baby they did not have biologically. There is also the beginning of a "parting company" with the biological child, a somehow more tangible sense of saying "good-bye."

To help myself with this part of the process, I wrote a song, the final verse of which goes like this:

• As important as it has been to conceive a child, it has somehow become even more important to parent one.
• As important as it has been to carry a baby to term, it has somehow become even more important to rock one to sleep.
• And maybe most of all, as important as it has been to pass on your genes, it has somehow become even more important to pass on your love.

So good-bye Greg--or was it Dorothy?
Good-bye to who you were to be
For all of life tou will not see, I;m sorry
Through never here, now in my past
Like a flame never burned,
Still a shadow cast
Now I lay you down at last, Good-bye.

2. CONSIDERING A NEW CHILD: Accepting the Differences Between Adoptive and Biological Parenting
On a day-to-day level, the similarities between raising a child who is adopted and a child who is born to you are overwhelming, and it is very easy to forget the differences. After all, their cries are identically shrill; their smiles are equally luminous. You dress a baby who is adopted exactly as you would a baby who came to you biologically. A number of years ago, my son's pediatrician noted some similarity between Jay and me, and I had to remind both her and myself that he was adopted!

With parenting, there is such a complete sense of immersion that it is easy to forget about adoption and adoption issues. But aside from this familiarity, there can also be a hidden wish to deny the difference between biological and adoptive parenting, perhaps as a way to keep the trauma of infertility behind.

The denial can be costly, because there are many important differences that will be experienced both by us and our children over the entire life of the family. Among them are our children's different genetic and historical heritages, and their special issues of loss and identity. To deny our own losses, and issues, might send a message to our children that these differences are too painful to tolerate and come to terms with.

3. MOVING TOWARD HELLO: Assuming the Role of Adoptive Parents
As we begin to recognize the differences between biological and adoptive parenting, we are in a better position to decide whether or not we can assume the role of adoptive parents. Are we ready to accept the scrutiny of a home study? Can we see the process as preparation for parenthood, rather than as an inquisition? Are we able to look at the process as an "adoptive pregnancy," comparable to a biological one?

Where there are vast differences, there are also some surprising similarities. One can see "trimesters" in 1) the application process, 2) the home study process, and 3) the wait for arrival. There are moments of great excitement and anticipation, as well as moments of terror, not only of the adoption not coming to fruition, but of what life will be like when it does. Prospective parents often sense an exhilarating shift in mind-set--for the first time in years they again come to believe that they are going to be parents. Then, there is the overwhelmingly poignant experience of the homecoming--the joyful celebration with family and friends who have been pulling for you along the way. When Emily Sung, our Korean-born daughter arrived, our friends held a welcoming party, complete with a banner that proclaimed: "You're Come a Long Way, Baby!"

Thoughts on #3

Mac singing "I Am A Child Of God" to Oak.

So maybe a month ago, I was talking to my neighbor while the kids were outside playing. I don't remember how the conversation turned to this, but I had told her that I was no where near ready for a third although I know there WILL be a third. And I really meant that when I said it!

I wasn't feeling ready emotional and I knew/know we aren't ready financially. It still felt exhausting having two kids. It felt totally fine to think of our third not coming for a few years.

Then a week later I went to the General Relief Society Broadcast and while sitting there listening I got side swiped by baby hunger. When I got home, Hubs asked me what I got out of the broadcast, and my answer was "I am now baby hungry". And then I was a little shocked when he shared with me a little experience he had (it's not mine to share) that made us both wonder if it is time to start working on adding to our family again.

I am not sure I am ready for this emotional roller coaster that goes along with adoption and infertility. But the hunger and feelings are getting stronger and I know our family is ready for another baby.

YIKES! I can't believe I am saying that!

I don't really know what the future holds, I don't know when we will start the adoption process. But I do know that I am trying to push away the heartache of infertility this time (easier said than done) and pay attention to the promptings to help us find our next little one.

comfort those in need of comfort...

This post has been in the works for awhile and I have just been able to get the words down to finish.

As with most trials, infertility is hard...REALLY hard! It leaves you vulnerable, depressed, overwhelmed, along with a million more feelings. One minute you can be fine with it all and feel like a warrior, and the next you feel like you were pushed into a deep dark pit that you could never get out of. At some points you can feel like you have made HUGE strides in healing and moving on, and then unexpectedly something triggers and you realize that in actuality you have just put those feelings on the back burner for awhile.

In the fall of 2009 we decided to start the adoption paperwork to find our second baby. I was really excited and just happy to make the decision to get going on the process. Then unexpectedly I found myself having a hard time with it all. I felt depressed and angry. I was really struggling. And to top it off, I kept it all to myself, not even talking to my husband about it. I spent alot of nights crying and praying in bed after my husband fell asleep, trying to be quiet as to not wake him. I was totally caught off guard by these feelings, and felt like I was an awful person for feeling that way at all. Which is mostly why I kept it to myself, even though I don't think I was good at hiding it.

The beginning of 2010 was changing for me. I was having some strong feelings about us getting our paperwork done sooner rather than later. But was still struggling with that since I wasn't sure how we would even pay for another adoption, let alone another baby. But in my heart I KNEW that our baby girl was coming soon. And I worked my tail off at doing my part to make sure we were ready.

Then little things began to happen that I knew was Satan's way of telling us that we were on the right track and he didn't want us going through with another adoption. I had the one up, because I KNOW that Satan's greatest plan is to destroy the family.

One particular thing happened that was a changing point for me on many different levels. A relative of mine said some very nasty things to me that were completely insensitive and uncalled for. I don't want to, or feel the need to share the details of the situation, but what I learned from her actions (not by what she said to me) will be ever present in my life. And for that I am grateful! Not grateful to her, but grateful for my trials and what I can learn from them and grateful for the plan that my Heavenly Father has for me.

The greatest thing I learned was that because of my trials I can have compassion, empathy, and love for others who are going through trials in there life. And I am not talking about just infertility, ALL trials.

I ended up feeling sorry for this person that patronized and belittled me. She made the choice to do that instead of realizing she could be of comfort to me or be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on. She could have asked me if there was anything she could do for me instead of telling me to stop complaining. She missed an opportunity to serve and be an example of Christ.

The scriptures say comfort those in need of comfort, mourn with those that mourn. Even Jesus did this on many occasion. He cried with those that lost loved ones, instead of telling them to get over it or move on.

In retrospect, I feel like I already lived that way before, but I am even more aware of it in my life then ever before. I have had many opportunities since this has happened to be there for others who are struggling with big, hard things in their life. And I am grateful that I could be there for them. It has deepened long time friendships and I have made new, life long friends also.

What IF?

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Wasn't sure that I wanted to post about it this week or not but then I read THIS and was deeply moved by the more than 400 people who were able to be so open that I couldn't help but think of my own "What IF's?"


What IF I will always feel instant remorse for myself when ever I hear someone is pregnant or the few occasions someone actually tells me themselves that they are pregnant?

What IF I will always be scared to get pregnant because I don't want to make anyone feel like I do when someone announces that they are pregnant?

What IF I will always feel like less of a woman/mother when I am at play group with other mothers who are talking about their pregnancies and births and how their children look like them?

What IF I lose it the next time someone asks me "so you can't have children?" when I tell them that Mac was adopted?

What IF I never come up with the right thing to say when someone asks me "where does he get the red hair from?" or "Who in your family has red hair?" and Mac thinks I am ashamed that he is adopted because he thinks that I don't want to tell people he is or that I am telling every one and he thinks that he is not my real child. Sometimes I just want to walk through the store normally and not have to explaine my entire life to a stranger.

What IF I always feel like people are secretly, or not so secretly thinking to themselves that they are glad that they are not me and that they don't have my trials?

What IF people around me don't realize or understand to it's fullest the huge sacrifice we have made to bring our children into our family?

What IF people will always think I will get pregnant as soon as we adopt?

What IF I sink into depression every time we start the adoption process again because it reminds me I have wounds of infertility?
What IF I don't learn what I need to learn from all of this?

What IF we wouldn't have listened to the promtings to move to Montana, would we have our Mac?

What IF we would have never decided to adopt?

What IF we are not chosen again to be the parents of a sweet baby?

What IF we have to go through a failed adoption(s) before we find our baby?

What IF would have started the adoption process sooner, would we have more children?

What IF our next adoption process is a contested adoption and we don't have enough money to pay for all the legal fees?

Even with all the "What IF's" that I think about I know with assurity that blessings come through trials. I know that Heavenly Father will provide as long as we do our part. I have seen that happen first hand with every part of Mac's adoption story. He provided a way even if we didn't see it at the time, but we recognize it now. And I have faith in his plan for us and our family!

My goal this year....

is to find HOPE,

believe in HOPE,

feel HOPE,

have HOPE!

SMILE...

Smile though your heart is aching

Smile even though it's breaking

When there are clouds in the sky,

you'll get by.

If you smile through your pain and sorrow

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through

for you.

Light up your face with gladness

Hide every trace of sadness

Although a tear

may be ever so near.

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying?

You'll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just smile.

I will try to explain...

First off I want to make sure you all know that I am fine, it really is nothing to worry about. And I want to thank everyone who was and is concerned about me. I love knowing that there are actually people out there who want to make sure that I am OK and who care about me. I also really didn't mean to make anyone concerned, I just was trying to give a brief explanation so people didn't wonder where the heck I was at, especially since I was totally on a roll with updating.

Let me see if I can kind of explain what I think is going on with me. I had been thinking about this break for a couple of days before I announced it. I hadn't really talked to my husband about it, because honestly I didn't really know where all the emotions were coming from and I didn't know exactly what I was feeling. I did however realize that the emotions I was feeling were actually ballooning when I was blogging, or looking at blogs. So I figured that I needed to take a break to figure out exactly what was going on with me. So I sat down with my awesome, wonderful husband, who always knows exactly what to say to me and help me figure out my thoughts when they are all jumbled up. The first thing he told me is that I can't stop blogging, it is our family journal and how we mostly keep in contact with Mac's Birthmother. I assured him that I would not stop updating "C"s blog. Then he started picking at my brain, and we had a long talk (while Mac was taking a long nap). And then I have had a few days to think about it all and this is what I came up with. I am only hoping that it kind of makes sense, I am not that great at putting my thoughts into words.

Adoption is not a "cure" for infertility! It is a cure for childlessness, and a great one at that! When you adopt your children, you don't leave behind the fact that you still can't have children on your own. To be honest I am actually about 90% OK with never being pregnant and not having biological children. But there is still that 10% that still will jump out and make me miserable, that tugs at my heart every time I hear someone is pregnant, that makes me drown a little in my sorrows. And I think that I have been trying to pretend to myself that I don't really feel like that, that I am holding it all together. Because if I didn't, than I fail, I let Satan win, that I am not excepting the road and plan that Heavenly Father has for me. The fact is that it does hurt sometimes, but that doesn't mean that I don't except my life. I love my life, I love that we are one of the lucky ones that get to experience adoption as a means of growing our family. (Those of you who don't get to experience that, you are REALLY missing out!) But still that doesn't take away the fact that we suffer from infertility, and that infertility is really hard to deal with.

Since Mac came into our lives through adoption, I guess I have put most of my emotions on the back burner. Our goal was to be parents, to raise a family, and we finally had that. So I guess I have been ignoring the initial reason that we had Mac in our arms in the first place. As we decided that we would start the adoption process again, the reality of it all hit at once. The stress and unknown that goes with adoption came to the surface. The frustrations of watching everyone else just think about having a baby and bam, they are pregnant. No having to save fore years just so you have barely enough money to pay for the expenses of adoption. No wondering how long it is going to take for some one to make you a mother or father. No worries that that person might change their mind at the last minute. No worries about how long it will take to get your background check done and to have complete strangers know every detail of your life. No having to fill out answers to a million questions and have your home scrutinized to make sure that you are fit parents. It is all very draining and sometimes a little discouraging.

But the essence of adoption is awesome! And we are really excited to do it again. We are excited to watch our family grow through this miracle. We are excited to watch prayers answered, ours, and those of our birthfamily. We are excited to see what kind of relationship we will have with our child's birthfamily. We are excited to hold our new little one, when ever that may be.

We are blessed!

I am not sure if any of that made sense or I explained everything that I am feeling. But it will have to do for now.

November is National Adoption Month and I want to spend the month, when I have the time, devoting my blog to adoption.

I hope to be able to finish Mac's adoption story.

Link you to some awesome articles.

Link you to some awesome people who are waiting to adopt.

Maybe even share a few adoption stories of other adoptive families.

An anniversary that we don't celebrate...

Fall 2001"Perhaps strength doesn't reside in never being broken- but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places."
8 years...8 YEARS!

eight years ago we began the fight.

the fight of getting our children here to us.

we didn't know at the time that we were going into the battle of infertility.

and little did we know that 8 years down the road we would still be fighting that fight.

with one battle down,

and hopefully at least a couple more to go.

never did we think we would be doing this for eight years.

never.

but I can honestly say that we are more than happy to be in this fight.

I am proud to know my strength, that “I can do HARD things.”

there are people I know that get life's things handed to them on a silver platter,

that ask for life to be easy for them,

and for some reason Heavenly Father has answered them that prayer.

I know that if I asked in prayer for this to be easy,

I wouldn't get the same answer.

and I am ok with that.

it helps me get through it all knowing that Heavenly Father thinks that I am strong enough,

he knows that I can handle the battle.

he knows that I will get hurt, scarred and bruised, but that I won't back down.

there were/are moments when I felt like I couldn't show my face,

going through this was more than hard (it is still hard sometimes),

I didn't think I could do this.

but I am in the part of the battle where I can stand tall,

face forward,

and be as brave as I can be.

we fought the battle for Mac to get here.

he is here, he is ours...forever!

we love being his Mama and Daddy!

we are now battling to find and get our next little one here.

we called LDS Family Services this week to start the adoption process again.

but I am learning all over again,

just like I did when we started the whole process with Mac,

that I need to trust in the Lord and HIS plan,

and to have myself in a place where I am able to listen to the promptings so we don't miss our opportunity,

so we don't miss crossing paths with our baby's birthfamily.

we are excited to watch closely as Heavenly Father shows and unfolds His plan for us and our family!

"The Adjustable Heart"

I wanted to make sure I posted about ADOPTION one more time before the month is over. I have been trying to write this post for awhile, but it always seems to take me forever to translate my thoughts and feeling into words that others will understand.

This picture is one of our engagement pictures taken just three months before we were married. It is really hard to look at us then and think that we had no idea of the hard roads we would travel as eternal companions. One of those rough, and very long roads is our struggle with infertility.

This road started only about 6 months after we were married, and even then we didn't know it was to leave a very permanent mark on our lives. We had to experience a lot through this trial to come to the decision to choose adoption as our path to parenthood. That is right, we CHOSE adoption, it was NOT a last resort. And it should never be considered that. It is a very sacred, endearing, and perfect way to become parents.

Every couple that may find themselves in the fire of infertility will have to make changes in themselves before the choice to adopt is right for them and their family. Adoption does not solve or cure infertility or the baggage that it brings with it.

The choice to adopt comes after, much heartache, much learning, much patience, much praying, much understanding, and much change.

~~~

The Adjustable Heart:
Approaching the Decision to Adopt After Infertility
By John K. Kurkjian, Psy.D., Adoptive Families May/June 1998

John is a clinical psychologist in group practice with CPG Behavior Health Resources in West Hartford, CT and adoptive dad of two.

Infertility is a grueling experience, one that represents such an insult to one's senses of self, and of the "life plan," that couples find themeselves drawn into a grim battle to undo its trauma. Along the way, they often lose track of the original goal, which was to expand their family. Instead they often descend into a contorted version of their original quest, the war to "achiece a pregnancy."

As couples proceed through treatment, and as their likelihood of having a biological child dwindles, they must engage in another difficult process of grieving the child that will never be and beginning to consider whether or not they could possibly see themselves as adoptive parents.

Biological parenting often occurs with much less anguish, much less thought and preparation. It seems as if, at a certain point, children of biological parents are automatically "installed." For perspective adoptive parents, the process to expand the family is much more complicated. While they have many painful, negative aspects, it also represents an opportunity for these couples to "make virtue of necessity," by entering the role of parenting far more mindful of the choices they are making and far more prepared to accept the responsibilities ahead.

I believe that there are three stages couples with infertility pass through in moving toward decisions about adoption.
1. MOVING TOWARD GOOD-BYE": Letting Go of One's Biological Child
Prospective adoptive parents often hear the stern, grim dictate to "resolve the loss of the biological child" before seriously considering (or being considered for) the adoption process. It almost sounds as if the resolution is a "product," with a certain date of attainment, like finishing college, or, come to think of it, delivering a baby. As one who has dealt with infertility and gone on to become an adoptive parent, resolution seems to be less of a product and more of a process, something that is worked with over time, and never 100 perfectly accomplished. If you had a baby that died, would you be expected never to miss that child before thinking of expanding your family? For couples who have coped with infertility, death is the closest thing they can equate with their loss.

Still, there is the need to have turned the corner in the grieving process, to have moved to the point where the child adopted will be loved for herself, not as a "stand in" for the lost biological child. Couples moving closer to this goal often have a clearer distinction between these two children. For instance, they may have picked out certain names for their biological child. As they consider a child to adopt they often begin to generate new names. They may begin to picture a child who looks different from themselves and from the baby they did not have biologically. There is also the beginning of a "parting company" with the biological child, a somehow more tangible sense of saying "good-bye."

To help myself with this part of the process, I wrote a song, the final verse of which goes like this:

• As important as it has been to conceive a child, it has somehow become even more important to parent one.
• As important as it has been to carry a baby to term, it has somehow become even more important to rock one to sleep.
• And maybe most of all, as important as it has been to pass on your genes, it has somehow become even more important to pass on your love.

So good-bye Greg--or was it Dorothy?
Good-bye to who you were to be
For all of life tou will not see, I;m sorry
Through never here, now in my past
Like a flame never burned,
Still a shadow cast
Now I lay you down at last, Good-bye.

2. CONSIDERING A NEW CHILD: Accepting the Differences Between Adoptive and Biological Parenting
On a day-to-day level, the similarities between raising a child who is adopted and a child who is born to you are overwhelming, and it is very easy to forget the differences. After all, their cries are identically shrill; their smiles are equally luminous. You dress a baby who is adopted exactly as you would a baby who came to you biologically. A number of years ago, my son's pediatrician noted some similarity between Jay and me, and I had to remind both her and myself that he was adopted!

With parenting, there is such a complete sense of immersion that it is easy to forget about adoption and adoption issues. But aside from this familiarity, there can also be a hidden wish to deny the difference between biological and adoptive parenting, perhaps as a way to keep the trauma of infertility behind.

The denial can be costly, because there are many important differences that will be experienced both by us and our children over the entire life of the family. Among them are our children's different genetic and historical heritages, and their special issues of loss and identity. To deny our own losses, and issues, might send a message to our children that these differences are too painful to tolerate and come to terms with.

3. MOVING TOWARD HELLO: Assuming the Role of Adoptive Parents
As we begin to recognize the differences between biological and adoptive parenting, we are in a better position to decide whether or not we can assume the role of adoptive parents. Are we ready to accept the scrutiny of a home study? Can we see the process as preparation for parenthood, rather than as an inquisition? Are we able to look at the process as an "adoptive pregnancy," comparable to a biological one?

Where there are vast differences, there are also some surprising similarities. One can see "trimesters" in 1) the application process, 2) the home study process, and 3) the wait for arrival. There are moments of great excitement and anticipation, as well as moments of terror, not only of the adoption not coming to fruition, but of what life will be like when it does. Prospective parents often sense an exhilarating shift in mind-set--for the first time in years they again come to believe that they are going to be parents. Then, there is the overwhelmingly poignant experience of the homecoming--the joyful celebration with family and friends who have been pulling for you along the way. When Emily Sung, our Korean-born daughter arrived, our friends held a welcoming party, complete with a banner that proclaimed: "You're Come a Long Way, Baby!"

Different Trips to the Same Place...

Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place, you've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.
So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you; you'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait--and wait--and wait.Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax. You'll get on a flight soon." Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It's not fair!"
After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat."
"By BOAT!" you say. "Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.
It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip.
Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with other who also traveled by sea rather then by air.
People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are about to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea is so easy."
You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you get there, but in the place itself.

By Diane Armitage printed in the April 21, 1995 "Dear Abby" column.

National Adoption Month

November is NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH!

It makes me smile that there is a whole month devoted to just ADOPTION. I feel so fortunate to be apart of the adoption community and to get to feel first hand all the love and emotion that goes along with growing your family through adoption. I just want to take this opportunity to share my feelings with all my friends and family and all those that may peek at my blog. I feel that it is so important to get a positive message out there about adoption, so if anyone has any questions about adoption or our own story of adoption, I would be happy to answer them.

I can't even begin to tell you EXACTLY how this picture makes me FEEL!

This is our sweet, beautiful, angel "C" holding our Mac right before we took him home from the hospital. I feel so fortunate that we had about 5 months before Mac was born to get to know C pretty well. But it also made it that much harder to watch her go through the pain and heart ache that goes with placing your child. After leaving the hospital with our son, I could not think about C or what had just happened with adopting Mac with out crying. It is a very unique experience to feel so incredibly happy and so incredibly heartbroken at the same time. How I love and admire C for her vision, for her beautiful, selfless heart, for her sincere love and concern for Mac, for her desire to do the right thing for her son, and for just loving Mac enough to put him before her own comfort and desires. I think about and pray for C every single day! And my love for her is as deep as it is for Mac. I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to keep in contact with C often. It makes us so happy to know that she is doing so well, and to know that her future is bright as Heavenly Father is surely blessing her for the sacrifice she has made for our sweet Mac.

C, I hope that you know how much you are loved by not only us, but our extended family. Mac will always know your great love for him. You are our hero!

Saying THANK YOU is just not enough!

 

After so many years of crying and yearning for this day, it felt so surreal when it finally happened. Especially in the manner of which it happened. This picture is of us seeing and holding our son for the first time. Mac was only about 30 minutes old and you could feel his sweet spirit and we knew something wonderful was happening right before our eyes. We knew this beautiful little baby boy was OUR son. We had to wait along time for him, but all the pain and heartache we felt from our infertility was worth it and we would go through it a million more times for this unique and amazing experience. I know without a doubt that Mac was to come to us in the way he came to us, when he was supposed to come to us. There was no other way! Mac is almost one and this day has been on my mind alot. I can't believe that I have had the great privilege to be Mac's mother and that it never would have happened without our C.

Making Mac ours FOREVER was a dream come true!

The day was more special than I could have ever imagined. Being able to have my family forever is so important to me. And to be able to share that with so many family and friends was a special experience. The moment I walked into the sealing room, I started balling (I remember doing the same thing when Hubs and I were married and sealed). To be able to look across at my sweet husband and then over at my beautiful son and to know that we were a forever family was such a peaceful and satisfying feeling.

And the icing on the cake was seeing C and having her parents attend the sealing. We had the opportunity to spend a little bit of time with them before we were supposed to get ready for our sealing. And I will treasure those moments of getting to see them interact with Mac forever. I know having them there will always be special for Mac, because he will know that they all loved him enough to let him have an eternal family with a Mother and Father. I will never forget what C said to me as we had to say goodbye. She was crying and she hugged me and told me that it made her so happy to know that we all got what we wanted. Oh my beautiful C, how we LOVE YOU!


The opportunity to grow our family through adoption is truly a blessing I am so grateful for! I love being Mac's mother, I love watching my husband be the best father he can be. I love watching Mac grow and learn, although it breaks my heart at how fast that is happening right before my eyes. We want the world for Mac. I pray everyday that we can do our best at raising Mac to be proud of where he came from.
We can't wait until we have the opportunity again to grow our family through adoption. And we pray that it will happen in Heavenly Father's time, not ours.


Please be an advocate for adoption!
If you have the opportunity...
Help single women in unplanned pregnancies realize that there is another option out there for them.
Be supportive to adoptive couples who struggle with infertility by being sensitive and aware of their very tender feelings.

The paperwork and process...(Mac's Adoption Story~Part 2)

I think every stage of adoption can be compared to a stage of pregnancy, and I would consider this part of our journey to be compared to the "morning sickness" that most pregnant women go through.

We started our paperwork in the Fall of 2006 and turned in all of our paperwork at the very beginning of January 2007. By the end of February 2007 we were approved to adopt and officially waiting for our baby.

Our process of applying to adopt had it's highs and lows, it was exciting, scary and really frustrating. But I am sure it is that way for most couples who are applying for the first time.

The very frustrating parts came from dealing with our caseworker. He was always telling us if we didn't do this or that, or check this box or that that we would never get a baby. Now that is really discouraging, thanks Mr. Caseworker for being so sensitive to our very fragile, childless-hearts. In all of his pushing and shoving and being very insensitive, we made sure we followed our hearts and followed the spirit with every step that was required of us. We were happy and at peace with what we felt was right for our little family. Well, with everything except the prospect of an open adoption.

When it came to learning about open adoption and considering it for our family, I think that our hearts were closed to that possibility being OK for our family. And I really think that it was Satan's way of creeping his way in to try and destroy one of the greatest blessings, forever families.

The scary part was to think that it was totally up to someone else to make us parents. It was scary to think about the possibilities of being chosen, then at the last minute having our baby snatched right out from under us. It was scary to think that if we had an open adoption that maybe we would never really feel like the baby was ours (this is not true, remember we didn't know much about open adoption). It was scary admitting to a lot of people that we struggled with infertility when we had kept it to ourselves for so long. There was a lot that was scary about adopting.

The excitement came when we would think about the possibility of being parents finally. We knew that it would take time, it could be months or even years before we were chosen. But that at times seemed much easier then the wait every month, followed by the usual disappointment that was so constant in our lives over that past five plus years.

To pass the time I would look up the online profiles for adoptive parents on LDSFS website. And more specifically, I would look up those with a child already hoping to read someones story of how they had adopted their baby. I wanted some idea of how it would feel for us when the time came. After we got our own online profile up, I would look at it everyday wondering what birth mother's would think looking at our picture and reading about us. And then my thoughts eventually would wonder if our birth mother would know us when she saw our profile.

At this time, we still did not tell many people. We definitely were not doing all we could do to find our baby. But we did feel a need to pray for all birth mothers. We prayed that they would find peace in their choice and that they may be lead to the right parents for their sweet baby.

After we had been approved and we had been on the waiting list for about a month, we believe Heavenly Father stepped in and was preparing us to find our baby and to answer a sweet young women's prayers.

The beginning of FOREVER!...(Mac's Adoption story~Part 1)

***When I sat down to write about having Mac sealed to us, my mind kept on wandering to the very beginning of our story and how we got to this day. It seemed that it would only make sense to tell you this way, so that you may all understand the great significance this day truly had for us. So as to not bore everyone all at once, this story will have to be told in parts.

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This is VERY significant in my life, because not only does the church I belong to have many beliefs, but I truly have faith in and know for myself that these beliefs are true. One of these beliefs is that families can be forever, we do not have to part at death. As worthy members of the Church, we are able to receive permission to enter the House of the Lord, the Temple, and receive the blessings of eternal families. Hubs and I were able to be sealed together for time and eternity on April 14, 2001 in the Portland, Oregon Temple. I am so grateful to Hubs for being the man he is, that he loved (loves) me enough to want to be worthy enough to take me to the Temple so that I can have my own eternal family. So that we can be together forever.

Another wonderful blessing of the gospel of Jesus Christ, is the strength it has given Hubs and I to get through our trials. In the seven plus years we have been married we have gone through many, very difficult, life altering trials. Our knowledge and beliefs has helped us to take the very real pain and heartache that we felt through those trials and turn it into something that would help us, refine us, strengthen us, and make us better disciples of Christ.

One of our great trials is the struggle we have had bringing children into our eternal family. As with most trials, no one understands the great pain and heartache that goes with infertility unless you have traveled that road, and I do not wish that road on anyone. And even though at times the pain and heartache seemed unbearable, I never felt my Heavenly Father's comfort and love for me more. I learned so much about myself, my husband, our relationship with each other and my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I knew that my Heavenly Father had a plan for me, for us. In waiting for that plan to unfold, we learned to rely on the Lord, rely on each other, be grateful for what we have, and to have patience.

After five years of struggling with infertility, we felt like we should try growing our family through adoption. Choosing adoption is not something to take lightly by anyone. And even though we tried other ways first to grow our family, and they were unsuccessful, we would never say that adoption was our "last resort". We know that there was much to be learned to prepare ourselves to bring Mac into our family in this special way, and that adopting our son was Heavenly Father's plan for us all along. When we look back at our journey from the moment we turned in our paperwork for adoption, we can see now how Heavenly Father was leading us to C and Mac.

I WOULD DIE FOR THAT!!

I have seen this music video over and over on so many blogs. And each time I watch it, it makes me cry!

Being a MOTHER...

I feel like my words will not express to you the true joy I felt today. And I can't even begin to tell you how much I love being a Mother. But the best part is I get to be Mac's Mother! I am a Mother because of the miracle of adoption. I am a Mother because of our sweet and beautiful C. I am a Mother because of the excruciating sacrifice she made. I am a Mother because of the life she wanted to give to Mac. Thank You C!

And thank you C for this beautiful gift! Every time I look at it, it brings me to tears. It is so thoughtful and heartfelt and truly shows what kind of person you are. This will always hang in Mac's room and will be one of our greatest treasures!

It has part of the words from "I am a Child of God". And the feet print are ones that the nurses made on an extra piece of paper, when Mac was born, that C got to take home with her.

Mother's Day...

So this past week, I have been having some bitter-sweet feelings about Mother's Day. I haven't been as excited about it as much as I should be with it being my very first official Mother's Day and all. But there is more than just me that this day affects and hurts to think about how hard this day will be for them.

First, I am not getting to spend this day with my Mother. I think that this is probably the first one I have not been able to spend with her in some form. My Mother is one of my best friends. I love getting to spend time with her and laughing with her. And I have really missed that since we have moved so far away! But I love you Mom and hope you still enjoy your day! Happy Mother's Day!

Second, I have been thinking about Mac's birthmother and wondering how she feels about this day. For the most part I think she is pretty OK with it, I know she is going home to spend it with her Mom and she even thought to give me a Mother's Day gift. She is such an upbeat person and she just loves life and all that it has to offer. But deep down, I don't really know what she is feeling. I just pray that what ever pain she may still be carrying may be eased. I know Heavenly Father has so much in store for her and I am always praying that he may shower all his blessing upon her. She deserves the world and more!

And lastly, I can't help but think about all those who will be struggling with this day because they aren't physically Mother's yet. I know how I felt for the last several Mother's Day's and that pain is still very raw for me. I have a hard time celebrating my own Motherhood when there are so many that I know that are dreading this day. And I know there is nothing anybody can do or say that will help ease the pain they are feeling. I want to still go and find a room during sacrament meeting and cry for them (or I can just cry for them now, because I am in tears as I write this). I am always praying that those women will find their baby and receive their miracle. And I know someday they will. I am so excited that this wonderful woman has finally got her miracle (or should I say miracles). But my heart aches for so many that haven't yet!

But, what I am excited about for Mother's Day, is to spend it with the cute little man that made me a Mommy! Eat breakfast in bed (that is all that I wanted for Mother's Day from Hubs). And to wear the cute new dress and sweater that Hubs let me buy today so that I don't have to go to church wearing the rags that I always wear. I will get to feel like a bright, shiny, new Mommy with my new dress and new hair! And also I get to go to Relief Society (while all the priesthood take over all the callings for the day) and eat the traditional, gourmet, made from scratch, not from the box cheese cake that one of the men from our Ward makes every year, YUM!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Sending my love to all the Mother's in my life!

*My Mom, Wilma

*My Mother-in-law, Cammy

*Grandma Gerry

*My sisters, Dana and Candis

*My sisters-in-law, Anna, Jem & Lyndsey

*Hubs's sisters, Shannon & Steph (also my SILs)

*All those who have been blessed with their miracle's of Adoption.

*And all those who are still waiting for theirs!

MY Life...

life isn't a destination - it's a journey. we all come upon unexpected curves & turning points, mountaintops & valleys. everything that happens to us shapes who we are becoming. and in the adventure of each day, we discover the best in ourselves.

-anonymous.

I loved this quote when I found it! I instantly related because of our adventure in becoming parents.

I have been asked by a friend if I wished I could go back and change the fact that we couldn't have kids. And I knew my answer right away.

NO!

I love the people Hubs and I have become, as INDIVIDUALS and as ETERNAL COMPANIONS. I think we are and will be better PARENTS. We also have the opportunity to feel true COMPASSION and EMPATHY towards those who have gone through similar trials. We can TEACH, HELP and be shoulders to cry on. I feel so much closer to the SAVIOR and I have felt his LOVE every step of the way. We have been blessed with the most amazing MIRACLE of ADOPTION. We have been blessed with Mac!

So NO, I wouldn't change a thing!

As I always say, "Blessings come through trials!"

And I truly have a testimony of that!

Being sensitive...

Here is another article that my friend from the The R House has posted on being sensitive to those that are struggling with infertility. Please take the time to read through this article as this is a very important topic that has come up in the years we have struggle to have children of our own.

A long hard road...

Infertility and Adoption are both a long hard road that I know so many people don't understand. One of my blogging buddies who just recently adopted a gorgeous little boy posted this on her blog yesterday and every word is so true for Hubs and I.

Please take a look!