My baby pictures...

My brother converted a ton of my dad's old slides to the computer. I loved seeing all these baby pictures of me.

My blessing dress.

Me and my sister Candis

My oldest brother was 15 when I was born. There are actually a few pictures of him feeding me or snuggling me. I love it.

one month

It has been one month since I buried my dad. I am still having a hard time believing that my dad is really gone from this earth. I spend most of my time avoiding thinking about it too deeply because I am tired of crying. I know that I am going to need to get that all out at some point, but I am just not ready. I miss him so much, yet I know he is happy and well. I have been enjoying talking about all the wonderful things about my dad and the wonderful memories we have of him. That makes me happy.

 I went back and forth on whether or not I was ready to post these photos I took. But I want them to be here on my blog to remember this day. 

The day we buried my dad could not have been a more beautiful Utah, December day. I was worried how my children would react. Both of my kids surprised me. Mac was solemn and serious, and Oak burst into tears as soon as she saw my dads casket. The one blurry picture of the top of my kids head is Oak hugging my leg balling and Mac immediately came up to Oak and started comforting her. It was a beautiful moment in a moment of great sadness. I will never forget it. 

Another beautiful moment was when Taps was played. My dad would have been so pleased with that.

My kids loved holding Grandpa's flag afterwards. 

I miss my dad more than words could ever express.

A year gone by and a new year...

 As I was thinking about some of the things I accomplished this year, I really feel like I am a different person than I was a year ago. I am for sure different because of some life changing moments that were out of my control, but I feel like I am also different because of the things I chose to take control of and the change I made. I just want to reflect on some of those for a few moments. These aren't things that I necessarily made a goal of at the beginning of the year, but actually mostly just happened.

I have never been a great housekeeper. I tend to be a "wait for someone to come over and then clean the house" kind of person. My mother is an excellent housekeeper and apparently that did not come through the genes to me. But I have made HUGE strides in this area this last year and it has taken the entire year to get here, it did not happen over night. I started off with making a morning routine for my kids. Once I got them to a place where they did their routine without much help I ended up following the same routine for myself. In doing this I placed a rule of no breakfast for anyone until everyone has their morning routine done. This has been the biggest help in my change. I have also started making the kids help more with a few regular chores that they/we work together to do. I am usually great about getting all of our dirty clothes washed but the folding and putting away part is hard for me. I dubbed Monday and Thursday laundry days. I have been doing this for at least 6 months and it has become habit. I love it! Also to help with making sure it is all folded and put away I started having the kids fold and put away their own clothes. This was met with much distaste by the kids, but they are pros now and Oak (who loves to help with all chores) still does not like it much and will usually throw some sort of fit when we first start out, but she is quickly learning that she will be doing all day if she doesn't buckle down. With the dishes, which is another chore I struggle with, I worked on another routine for that. After finishing our morning routine and we head downstairs the kids are to empty the dishwasher while I make breakfast. Then I load any dishes in the dishwasher throughout the day and by evening it is full and ready to run and then we do the same thing the next day. As far as deep cleaning, I take a day once a month and we (the kids do it with me) do nothing but go room to room and declutter and clean. This one is still a bit of struggle but I still plan on working with it until it is a habit. Also I realized that I am a very grumpy mommy and wife when our house is cluttered so I try to declutter a lot during the week when I can. 

How I parent is something that I am always working on and although I feel like I have come a long way this last year, I still have even further to go to make some big changes. I know what kind of parent I want to be so I keep that as my goal and make changes and reflect when needed. I really want to be a parent that can calmly and peacefully help my kids through their poor behavior, but mostly I end up losing my patience and yelling and acting like a 3 year old myself. I truly don't want to let my kids push my buttons and I don't want to take their behavior personally. Day by day I work on this. Some days are awful, horrible and feel like I am in the middle of a war, and some days I do great. I can always see my behavior reflected back at me from my kids behavior so I will continue to strive to do better.

Homeschooling! We officially started homeschooling a year ago. I didn't really know what it would look like for us, I have tried different ways to go about it, but in the end I always come back to making it fun and not so structured. My kids have made huge strides in what they have learned this year so I am not failing, YAY! But honestly, they are quick learners and they don't have any learning problems so they make my job easy. Most of all, I love homeschooling. I seriously never thought I would love it this much.

I still plan on working on these this next year since there is plenty of room for improvement. 

Now onto this next year...

 I have been in search of a word or motto to live by this next year. And for some reason the word that keeps coming to my mind is "Peace".

I want to bring peace into my home, have peace for myself, deal peacefully when I am parenting, feel peace in how my life has turned out, and bring peace to others by serving them.

I found some scriptures that I think might help me...

"Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer...bless them which persecute you; rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep." --Romans 12:12-15

I really feel like my soul needs some peace and I know that if I turn to Christ that I will find that peace. I really want to seek Him and do all that I can to be like him. 

I plan on reading AND studying the scriptures and conference talks; not only praying night and day but also those moments in the day that I am struggling and feeling unrest; not to sit idly too long and look at my phone or the computer and replace those moments with something with meaning; finding more moments to reflect and think instead of turning my brain off; showing more love and guidance in the hard moments of parenting; and finding ways together with my husband to strengthen my marriage; find peace through my diet and exercise; and I want to seek opportunities to serve rather than wait for opportunities.

I am also working on a family goal/motto for the year.
 I will probably post about that soon.
Hint: it has to do with serving :)

Sunday Gratitude...

I am grateful...

...for my Savior. To be able to reflect on his sacred last days on this earth before he gave the ultimate gift of eternal life. I grateful I am for that. 

...that we are moving soon and will have a little more space and that the kids will be able to be "kids" more. 

...for our Ward here. I went to our Relief Society birthday brunch yesterday and I just enjoyed so much spending the afternoon with some amazing women. 

...that we are so easily able to reread/listen to the General Conference talks from last week. I have so enjoyed that this week. 

...for the great day I had yesterday. For some reason I have been waking up in the morning an emotional basket case and very grumpy and yesterday just helped my heart so much. The kids were so well behaved, I was able to get a little me time, and we were able to enjoy time as a family. 

...that we still live close enough to our family that visiting them for holidays or just the weekend is feasible. 

...that K Falls is starting to turn green and for the cherry blossom trees blooming this week. So beautiful!

...that tax season is over in two days. yahoo!

...for the 13 years I have been able to spend with my love. Tomorrow is our anniversary!

35

I just celebrated my 35th birthday (this last Saturday). It is kind of not fun to have your birthday in March and be the wife of an accountant. Tax season, blek! But my hubs did his best despite the fact that he had to work and my kids were very stinkers most of the day. 

Hubs did make me breakfast in bed. When it came time to sing me happy birthday Mac through a fit about stopping what ever it was he was doing to have to come sing to me. And so I was a bit bummed with his attitude, but I still had my girl and my man. And a super yummy breakfast. 

After that Hubs went to work and I decided to take the kids to the store to buy them some summer shoes and Frozen. They behaved so horrible at the store that we walked out with nothing. And we came home and I put them both on their beds in their room and left them there for an hour. I was beyond frustrated. Then I decided that we were going to have some fun so I took them to the park. They were fairly good at the park. Then when daddy got home we went bowling.

We had fun bowling and I won! But Oak had a few tantrums while there.

Afterwards, ice cream at baskin robbins. I got the one and only flavor I like which is rocky road. I never eat it anymore since Mac is allergic to tree nuts and there are nuts in rocky road. Love Oak's face in the pic. 

When we got home the Bishops wife, who is also a member of the Relief Society presidency had left me these flowers. The kids have loved taking care of it. 

I was surprised that Hubs bought me some gifts. He got me a new cell phone case which I desperatly needed and an iTune card. And I thought it was cute that he wrapped it in some of the millions of pictures we have around the house that the kids have drawn.

The night of my birthday, my friend Camille offered to watch our kids so that we could go on a date. Which was much needed. We went to a southern bbq place and it was just okay. But it was nice to just be with Hubs. We had a lot of time to spare and there isn't much to do here in town so we just went to Fred Meyer and looked around. 

I first asked for brownies but then when I saw the yummy strawberries at the store I decided I wanted strawberry shortcake. We didn't get around to making it on my birthday so Hubs made it Sunday but we didn't get around to eating it until Monday because we were invited to dinner by someone in our Ward. So we actually ended up eating it for breakfast Monday morning. It was delicious. 

I thought that this was funny. I looked down at the kids' bowl and Oak had eaten all the strawberries first and Mac had eaten all the cake first. It totally fits their eating personalities. They both ended up all of it, but it just struck me funny. 

In all I had a very great birthday. I am so happy to be alive and to be another year older. 

"Enjoy the LITTLE moments"

So obviously for the last couple of weeks I have been thinking about resolutions. Last year I set a few simple, general goals yet I still didn't accomplish them, in fact I don't even remember what they were. I should look back on my blog and see. But I do know that throughout the year I quietly (in my head) made a goal to change my parenting for the better and also to be a more understanding and less critical wife. I feel like I have made a valiant effort (although far from where I would like to be) in those areas and I will continue to work on them. So I have come to realize that I am one of those people that if I keep my goals to myself I am more likely to achieve them, if I write them down, I have a harder time accomplishing them. I know that goes against most studies, but for me, that is how I roll. 

The last couple of days I have read quite a few blogs of those who give themselves a word to live by for the year. Like HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE. And I decided that was a better way of giving myself a chance at self improvement rather than setting goals or resolutions. 

So last night it came to me as I was painting Oak's toe nails after she asked me about ten times (I have been working on being a better "YES" mom). At first all I wanted to do was just hurry through it so that she would stop bugging me about doing it. But as I was painting those sweet little toes of hers she was starting to be silly with me and instead of getting grumpy at her to just let me finish I decided in the moment to make it a fun moment instead of a rush through it moment and be silly with her also. It was so sweet and fun and we were both giggling. And it just made me love her that much more. Then it made me want to slow down our bed time routine and enjoy her sweetness. And you know what? It totally made my night.

So in that moment I decided that I wanted a phrase instead of a word...

"Enjoy the LITTLE moments"

I have no problem enjoying the big moments we spend as family like when we just went to the Lava Beds, but I struggle in the everyday little moments that make up my life. Like painting my daughters toenails, or reading to my kids before bed, or sitting down and eating and talking with them during lunch and breakfast, or sitting down and snuggling my kids when they ask or when my son was helping me take the garbage cans back from the road (although my neighbor let me know she didn't like that, but that is a whole different story) or even just enjoying a beautiful sunset. I don't want to hurry through those just so I can get to the next moment which is usually my household obligations or wasting time on my phone. And the little moments with my kids, and husband are way more important than that. I really want my kids to look back and adore their childhood, not look back and think "My mom was super grumpy!" And just as important I want to be an example to my kids of being happy and having a good attitude about life and learn to enjoy the little moments that make up their lives.

So here is to a life of enjoy the LITTLE moments.

And a little inspiration to help...

Off to play Legos with my son!

smiling...

when...

.my sweet hubby snuggles me in bed.

.my kids repeatedly tell me they love me.

.I hear my kids playing together willingly and nicely.

.my kids say funny and cute things.

.our day ISN'T jammed packed full of outside activities.

.I eat a fresh, warm no-bake cookie.

.I think of our kids' birth families.

.people tell me how beautiful my children are.

.I FINALLY get a room in my house clean.

.I feed my family a healthy meal.

.I take a photo of my kids that capture their personality.

.making and taking a friend a treat.

.I feel a breeze blowing through an open window.

.it is a cool, sunny morning.

.there are pink skies.

.I am with my little family.

tough...

This last week has been tough in the parenting department.

Tough to the point where I was saying to myself, "What were my kids' birth parents thinking choosing me to parent them...I am a terrible, awful mother!" 

Seriously! 

I realized that their behavior was in direct correlation with my behavior and I was almost at a breaking point. 

I have been stressed about a few things out of my control and we have been over-scheduled and I have been tired (most likely due to anemia since I haven't been consistent in taking my iron). And it was making me crabby and impatient and a just plain old mean mommy.

 After venting to my husband last night about all my stresses and my inability to be a good mommy, I felt much better today. And we had the first good, actually great, day in about a week. 

How my mommy heart needed today.

And to top it off, these photos were captured tonight of me with my littles!

Ah! I love these two!

Self defense...

The place that Mac goes to Taekwondo is run by a man and his wife. They are both black belts. Mr. Duer does most of the instructing and Miss J (his wife) does most of the business part with occasional instructing. When we first started going there, Miss J came up to me to tell me that she had gone to high school with my sister-in-law Brooke (she wasn't friends with her but knew her), and that Brooke was a huge reason she is so passionate about teaching woman self-defense. 

They offer woman's self defense classes every other month and charge only $35 for a two hour hands-on class. I finally was able to go yesterday, and I have to just say that I was blown away. Miss J truly is passionate about this, and she did an amazing job teaching the 20 or so woman that were there. She also had five men there (that are either instructors or taking classes there) to be our "dummies" because she believes that to learn this you have to feel the actual emotions you might have when being grabbed or assaulted. She really did a great job at instructing us and the men did a great job at letting us hurt them a bit. 

I learned so much about how to defend myself and left feeling very empowered. Just to give you an idea of  how hands on we were and how hard we worked, I woke up really sore this morning. Way more sore than after doing the Insanity workouts this last month. I am sure that the guys are even more sore and probably a bit bruised up too.

 At one point Miss J offered to put us in a hold to choke us (just as much as we could handle) so that we could feel what it is actually like and at how quickly we would have to react if someone ever came up behind us to choke us. Which let me just say, was only about one second. 

I am grateful for the tools I learned there, so grateful. And I plan on taking the class again before the end of the year. I really encourage all woman to take a woman's self defense class. And if you have taken one before, and it has been awhile, take it again. It could save your life!

three goals for a new year

Yesterday my adoptive-mommy-blogging-friend, Julie posted about her New Years resolutions. And I loved her J.O.Y. theme that they have set as a family for the year. Jesus, Others, Yourself...Isn't that so cool?! Well as I was going to make a post about my new year goals (I don't really like the word "resolutions") and was thinking about my specific goals that I have already set and have been working on, I realized it fit into Julie's J.O.Y. theme.

I love a new start, but I really dislike setting goals and failing. But there are a few areas in my life that I have been really wanting to work on already and I thought that the New Year would be a good place to start. I have kept them very simple and feel like if I improve in these areas that it will automatically improve other areas of  my life that I have not set goals for.

 I have also decided that I am not going to jump straight into doing everything perfect everyday, but that I would just do what I could everyday and what I remembered to do, and just do a little better everyday with out worrying about missing a day. I am much better at achieving goals when I work into them gradually.

The first goal I had set (which fits with the "J") was to gain more spiritual strength in my everyday life. I wanted it to be more than just reading my scriptures everyday. So I am also trying to be more consistent with my morning prayers and I also want to read a conference talk or an article in any of the church magazines everyday if possible, but will settle for a couple times a week.

My second goal (which goes with the "O") is to be better at consciously serving others. I feel like I give of myself when the opportunity rises but over this last year I have felt strongly that I need to be a better example to my kids when it comes to service. I have wanted to devote one day a week to doing service for others with the help of my kids and had tried to implement that last year, but  then I get caught up in my week and would forget. So I am thinking I need to keep putting some thought into how exactly to go about this so it won't be overwhelming. I have also decided that for my birthday this year that I will be spending the day doing random acts of kindness.  I am so excited to do that!!

My third and last goal (which goes with the "Y") is to be better about exercising. Age 33 was the "magic" year for my body to decide it wasn't going to stay the same as it always has anymore, without me doing something physical. So I have been doing an exercise video about every other day or so. I have been getting up at 6am to get my exercise in and then a shower, if I don't do that then I do it when the kids are down for nap/quiet time. My hope is that I can get myself into a bit of shape so that I can start running when it gets lighter out in the mornings. I have a desire to be a runner and maybe run a race, but I don't feel like I can adequately fit it into my life right now for a few different reasons. But I feel like it will be more feasible more towards the middle of the year. 

Nothing too jaw dropping, but I do feel that these are attainable goals and will help me the most to live a happy life this year. 

giving thanks...

I have so much to be thankful for.

Especially this year!

I am pretty sure a list won't fully cover it all.

But it is a start...

I am thankful, grateful and blessed...

...for my health.

I had a serious health scare this year and although I feel like I was good at holding back the fear until there was actually something to worry about, it was terrifying. I am grateful it turned out to be nothing serious.

...for my little family.

they are my life, my world and my every breath is for them.

...for my husband.

he works so hard to make sure we are taken care of. he has to balance so much in his life and he does it for our little family. I would not change my life with him for anything.

...for my parents.

my dad has been in the hospital and it has been scary to see his health decline and to actually think about the fact that I won't always have my parents with me on earth.

...for my extended family.

I love living so close to my husbands family, they are a pretty amazing family. and it has been an amazing getting to see so much of my family this year.

...for adoption.

this path has made my life more beautiful than I could have ever imagined for myself. because of this miracle I am a mother.

...for our amazing birth families.

I sometimes have to pinch myself with how enriched my life is to know these special people. their sacrifice is my joy. and to love them and my babies is the only way to thank them enough. because of them I am a mother.

...for the gospel.

without it I would be in a very deep, dark place. because of the gospel I can find joy in my sorrows.

...for my Heavenly Father.

I have no doubt he has gifted me my life. that he knows and loves me in every way possible. that his hand has guided me through so many things.

...for my Savior.

he has done everything for ME.

...for the Temple.

I get my family FOREVER. I want nothing less for the family I have worked so hard for and I want nothing less for my children.

...for my needs met.

I have a beautiful, warm home, food in my pantry, a car to get around, insurance to help cover medical costs, opportunities to make wonderful memories with my family. No one needs any more than that to make them happier. 

...for a new day.

to wake up every morning and be alive, to be able to live my life. to be able to start new every day and try to be a better, person, wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend.

...for tender mercies and answered prayers.

they are real! I am living proof! I am reminded everyday of these in my life and could not be more grateful.

Time Out for Women

I had the amazing opportunity to go to Time Out for Women this weekend with my Mother-in-law, two of my sisters-in-law and my mom. So in other words I was with some awesome women!! We have been looking forward to this for MONTHS! And can I just say that if you have the opportunity to go at some point that you should make every effort to go, because you will not regret it. It is amazing, it is uplifting, it is beautiful, it is touching, it is spiritually nourishing, it is fun and funny. 

We were able to go both Friday night and all day Saturday.  The speakers were amazing and I was able to find something I needed to hear in every presentation. Also the music by Jenny Oaks Baker and Hilary Weeks was just beautiful and my favorite part was the beautiful words they shared with us also. Hilary Weeks was hilarious and so real.

I loved that my Mom was there with me. 

Through the entire weekend I found bits and pieces in every presentation that I could use in my life, but I kept on wondering when I would hear that ONE thing that I felt was meant just for me. I was a little worried that I would walk away from the whole weekend without that experience. Then the very last presenter Laurel Christensen got up and I hung onto her every word and knew what she was saying was meant for me. I took the most notes from her because I didn't want to forget a thing. I am so grateful I did, because when I got home last night and I was telling my husband all about what she said and reading my notes from her I had an amazing experience. One that has been a long time coming for me. And thoughts were turning into more thoughts that were turning into more thoughts that lead to an eye opening experience. I then shared those thoughts with my husband, and I was just in awe and shock at the personal revelation I received from this experience. It was all very personal and so I will not be sharing it here or with any one. But what I will say, without sharing any specifics is that I realized that I have spent years purposely not asking Heavenly Father for a specific blessing out of fear that my prayer and pleading would not be answered or the answer would be no. And after I was prompted to read my Patriartical Blessing I was reminded that what I have been afraid to ask for has always been a promised blessing and the Lord is BOUND to keep his promise to me as long as I am obedient. I love that Heavenly Father is waiting for me to be ready to ask and and ready to receive the answers to my prayers. 

I wish her presentation was available to everyone to listen to, but here is a snippet (her intro) of her presentation. 

And she also shared something similar to this in her presentation.

birthday...

My beautiful birthday gift from my cute little family.

Although my birthday didn't go as planned it was a very great day. It included, getting to sleep in, yellow lilies from my parents. Mac telling me over and over "Happy Birthday!" and Oak actually singing Happy Birthday over and over (so adorable), getting a shower, my mom washing my dishes, my beautiful necklace, my parents and then my in laws watching the kids so Hubs and I could go out to eat.

I am blessed!

A mile long...

A list for my week:

• take a small birthday surprise to a friend (Today).
• possibly/hopefully help a friend who has just moved (or at least take her a housewarming/cheering up gift).
• get dishes caught up from the weekend (the biggest thing I dread).
• FHE (Today) This did not happen, I just didn't get it put together and Hubs didn't get home from work until 10pm.
• make a couple loaves of banana bread and a few dozen cookies for leaders at our church to go and visit families (Tuesday).
• drop treats off at the church. (Tuesday)
• make our little family some bread for sandwiches.
• help Mac with writing his talk for Primary.
• return DVD to library (Wednesday).
• pick up our CSA bag between 4 and 7pm (Thursday)
• possibly go to Relief Society Birthday (Thursday)
• drop kids off at my parents house. (Thursday).
• call about Jury Duty (Thursday night).
• serve Jury Duty (Friday).

Okay so my list really isn't a mile long. But I am someone who doesn't like to be over scheduled, it stresses me out. And just looking at this list stresses me out. I am not stressed out by the things on my list, infact I am happy and exited to do each one (well, except for the dishes). I just hope that I can do all of this and more and not break down. Here's to a great week!!

on my mind

I hate stuff and we have too much of it and I spend too much time trying to put it away, moving it or looking at it wondering what the heck to do with it. It has all got to GO!

I can't believe that it has taken me more than a year and a half to update the photos in our house to include Oak. Mommy FAIL!

I think I may be addicted to honey, but I guess that is better than sugar. It has been almost a week since I have had any processed sugar and I am so proud of myself. This means no chocolate, can you believe it?!

I really hate how many socks I have to wash, dry and put away. In fact there are so many of them that they rarely get put away. They sit in a pile on the floor or in a laundry basket and my husband without complaining digs through the pile in the dark to find a match to wear to work. I HATE socks! And REALLY LOVE my husband!

I love March! I love how it means we are getting closer to Spring and it feels like the winter is fading away. Well except for the fact that we woke up to snow this morning, crazy!

I have really been enjoying cooking, but I HATE all the dirty dishes that come out of it and the fact that I have to do them. I really wish I had a maid that just did my dishes after I make a meal.

Trying to tell myself that it is okay that Oak has officially gone down to one nap a day. She is just growing up way too fast for my liking!

I never get tired of...

• hearing Mac's prayers
• chocolate
• my kids laughing
• smiles
• snuggles
• sleeping next to my husband
• eating good food
• buying baby clothes
• watching my kids sleep
• talking with my husband
• talking about adoption
• thinking about how our miracles came to us
• showing gratitude to my children's birth families.
• talking/hanging out with old friends
• Sunday naps
• taking pictures of my family
• taking hot showers
• wearing my Chacos
• having friends that understand
• the goofy faces Mac makes
• the cute way Oak says words as she is learning to talk
• my husbands scruffy face
• Oak trying to jump
• my life