the read-a-loud dream...

So I have to admit that I am not a reader. I have the HARDEST time focusing on reading a book to myself. I can focus a bit better if I read out loud. I married a book reader who came from a family of book readers. And when I say book readers, I mean my husband doesn't put a book down until it is done. He literally can't focus on anything else but reading. 

Even though I am not a book reader, I have loved reading my kids little picture books since they were babies. We would read several during the day and several at night everyday. In fact, when Mac was little and the house would be quiet, it wouldn't be the usual mischief that you would think. If he was quiet, he was looking at books, which he did ALOT. As the kids have gotten older, daddy started reading chapter books to them before bed. They have loved this. And because I have a hard time reading chapter books I have left this job to daddy. And I have continued to just read picture books to the kids.

As a homeschooling mom, I want my kids to be book readers. Since Mac has learned to read, I have been waiting for him to hit the reading bug and for him to always have his nose in a book. That hasn't happened yet. However, he LOVES to be read to. So to boost our homeschool experience, I decided I would start reading a chapter book to the kids during the day. And I have also been making a better effort for him to see me sit down and read a book. Even if I can only get through half a page in one day because of all the interruptions from my little people. 

We started with Pinocchio. Then Peter Pan (which we didn't finish because it was really hard to read), then we didn't do any for a couple of weeks. But a couple of weeks ago, I picked up The Wizard of Oz and my kids were asking me to read it every spare moment we had. We finished the book in a week and a half. Grandma C happened to have the movie so we borrowed it to watch once we finished. 

Then just this last week, we started reading Little House in the Big Woods (The first book in the Little House series). And my kids have done the same with this book. They want me to read it during breakfast, during lunch, and as soon as we have a free moment. I even have read to them before I have gotten out of bed in the morning with them snuggled up next to me. 

But the change in our home life, I feel has dramatically changed. I feel like there are more quiet, thoughtful moments. My kids are getting along better. There is just a better over all feeling in our home. And I have noticed  how amazing Mac is at listening to what is being read to him and retaining it. Oak on the other hand listens and retains most of it, but her talent is interrupting about every sentence or so. Silly girl. 

The moments I am reading to my kids has truly been my most favorite moments by far. 

tough...

This last week has been tough in the parenting department.

Tough to the point where I was saying to myself, "What were my kids' birth parents thinking choosing me to parent them...I am a terrible, awful mother!" 

Seriously! 

I realized that their behavior was in direct correlation with my behavior and I was almost at a breaking point. 

I have been stressed about a few things out of my control and we have been over-scheduled and I have been tired (most likely due to anemia since I haven't been consistent in taking my iron). And it was making me crabby and impatient and a just plain old mean mommy.

 After venting to my husband last night about all my stresses and my inability to be a good mommy, I felt much better today. And we had the first good, actually great, day in about a week. 

How my mommy heart needed today.

And to top it off, these photos were captured tonight of me with my littles!

Ah! I love these two!

Blessed beyond measure...

"The Therrible Threes"

This is NOT a complaining post, I just wanted to let people know since I wasn't really warned.

For some reason NO ONE tells first time parents that three is WAY HARDER than two, until you're in the midst of it. What?! Why are they keeping this a secret?

Someone commented on my friends post when she was talking about this exact thing saying that no one says anything because they block it our of their minds. Probably something close to labor I would imagine. In the moment it is the most painful thing you have ever done but when it is over and you are holding your reward you forget all about it and think, "I can totally do this again!"

(At least that is what I have heard about labor.)

This last year has been quite the ride with our adorable, high energy, intense, red head!

To say the least...it has been H.A.R.D!

There have been days...entire days of one little guy setting in time outs more times than I have fingers to count.

There have been moments where I have had to put myself in time out closing myself behind three doors (my bedroom, bathroom and closet) and set in the corner hiding and praying that I don't go postal or loose my sanity.

There have been many moments where I am looking at my son and think, "Where on earth is my sweet little boy!"

There are days when my patience was so used up that the moment my husband walks in the door from work I say. "He is all yours, I'm done for the day!"

Thankfully, not every single day was like that.

 And I learned quickly that I had to remember it was his age and not his character.

 I learned to savor the good and great moments and spend those moments giving extra hugs and kisses. And that was mostly for me, not necessarily for him, so that I could remember those moments in the midst of the bad ones.

I also became grateful for other characteristics that Mac has. For instance, he has never been a trouble maker by getting into things when I am not looking.

And one of the very BEST things about this age is the funny things they say.

And three year old logic is really hilarious!

This year I have grown as a Mother. I am no where near perfect or perfect at mothering. But I have learned so much. The greatest thing I learned was that you can't parent alone, you need a greater help than you or your spouse can do individually or together. Pleading to my Heavenly Father through prayer has been my number one source of strength. I daily asked for help at being a better mother and being the mother that Mac and Oak needed me to be. To help me to help them to learn what they need to learn. And that is what really made all the difference.

I really feel like we are coming out of the fog of this last year. Mac has been awesome the last couple of weeks and I have soaked up every ounce of that goodness from him. I notice his cute expressions more, I am hearing more of what he is saying. It has really been heaven.

That is not to say that he/we don't still have bad days...because we totally still do.

But they seem to fewer and far between...and easier to handle.

No matter what this last year has been like, I love this boy every second of every day! He is everything I hoped and prayed for for more than 6 years. He is a miracle, and answered prayer. And the little stud that made me a Mother. His snuggles, loves, smiles, kisses, giggles and everything else about him are worth more than the sands in the sea. He is my treasure and my future. And the shining gem in my crown!

Mother's Day

I am so late in posting about Mother's Day, but oh well!

Mother's Day was good! Although I love my Mother and am so grateful for her and this was my 4th official Mother's Day, I still have such a hard time with it. I tried to push away the sad thoughts I had and just think of the good ones.

We were able to spend the weekend with my parents. They watched the kids for us on Saturday and we were able to go up to the Temple and do a session. Then Sunday Hubs made my mom and I breakfast and we went to church at my parents Ward. Hubs left in the middle of it and went to help set apart his brother (who lives in the same Stake as my parents) as the new and first Elders Quorum President in his branch, very cool! He was back before church was over. Then we ate dinner and went home to make sure we were able to visit Hub's Mom before the day was over.

I am so grateful for such an awesome Mother! I love that we live so close to her and that she gets to be an active role in my kids' lives. I am grateful for all that she does for us! When ever she comes to visit us she will play and play with the kids, change diapers and do my dishes. And she doesn't do it because I ask her, she does it because she wants to and loves to.

I am grateful for an wonderful Mother-in-law. She is such a great grandmother and we love everything she does for us. She is a very strong woman who is a great example of faith.

I LOVE being a Mother! It is also the hardest, most stressful job ever!! I am constantly worrying about whether they are ok. I wonder everyday if I am doing something or not doing something everyday to negatively affect them and their future. I am pretty sure the fact that my son is three is going to kill me, it is such a hard age! But on the other hand I think numerous times a day, what a joy it is to be the Mother of my children. And how much I REALLY do love being a mom. I love everything about it!

The hard part of Mother's day for me is thinking about the Birth Mothers of my children. I wonder and worry about whether the day is extra hard on them. I wonder if I have showed them enough how truly grateful I am for them and how much I love them and adore them. It is hard sometimes to get all the joy of Motherhood when it is what has caused them so much pain.

And then I think about those who are still waiting to be Mother's and I remember those days all too well and I hurt for them too. How I wish I could take their pain away!

In all

I AM SO BLESSED TO BE THEIR MOTHER!!!

my boy!!

This boy of mine...

There is alot to be said about him!

He is so adorable,

He says the funniest things,

He has boat loads of energy (really that is an understatement),

He can be the sweetest, nicest, friendliest kid,

and he can have the worst of all meltdowns.

He is much smarter than any three year old should be.

His memory shocks me on a daily basis!

He is 110% boy in all he does.

I literally will stare at him in awe a few times a day,

and count my blessings that brought him to our family.

He has taught me, and is still teaching me

to be patient, to let loose, to have fun and to always try to be a better me.

I can't fathom my life without him in it! And when I think about that being a possibility I want to just stop what ever I am doing and soak every speck of him in and remember everything about him at that very moment.

I don't want to forget what he is like as my little boy, because someday he will be a grown man and I don't want to regret what kind of mother I was to him.

rarity...

It is a rarity that I get to be in a photo with my kids (or even in general).

The very few photos I do have are a true treasure to me.

It kindof makes me sad to think that my kids are going to look back on all their pictures and think "Where is Mom?"

It is a goal of mine to remember to be in pictures more! It is sad that I have to remember because everyone, including me, is so used to me being behind the camera.

Another goal of mine this summer is to take some great pictures of my kids with their grandparents.

My kids get to have the relationships with their grandparents that I dreamed of as a kid. And I really want to capture that!

The picture of above reminded me of a picture of Mac and I on my birthday when he was 3 months old.

lucky Mama...

Everyday, amidst the chaos,

 I consider myself one lucky Mama

 to be able to

kiss,

play with,

tickle,

laugh with,

squeeze,

snuggle,

take care of 

and look at these two beautiful babies!

And everyday I am grateful for Heavenly Father's plan for me!

Helping Hands!

About a month ago I was feeling like I needed to do a chore chart for Mac, so I asked my friends on Facebook what kind of chores they thought a 3 year old should do. I got a TON of great answers! It was very helpful. There were many that I hadn't thought of for Mac to do, but there were more that I realized that he already, to a degree, helps me with. So then I thought about the one task that we have told Mac was his job, which is setting the table for dinner. And I thought about how much he whines and complaines when I tell him to set the table because it is his job. There is alot of drama that goes on before he eventually does it.

I decided that I didn't want him to feel like that about chores or helping around the house.

So then a thought popped into my head and I got really excited!

And here is what I came up with...

"Helping Hands!"

Every time he helps me he gets a hand, when he gets all of his hands he gets a privelage.

It took me awhile to get this going because I wasn't totally sure how I wanted to implement it.

 But then one saturday when I was trying to get some housework done and I had asked Mac to take his toys to his room so that I could vaacuum, he REFUSED! It was an all out war! He pretty much didn't care what the consequence was, he wasn't going to do it. He sat in time out for an hour, and didn't care. So then I threw out the idea of taking all of his toys away. And he didn't care! I am not a pushover when it comes to parenting and my mom taught me the golden rule of parenting which is "be consistent with the law of consistancy!" And I take that rule very seriously! So I had to follow through with my threat, even though I felt bad about it. As Hubs and I were taking EVERY SINGLE toy out to the garage I asked him if this is a terrible thing, and he was completely fine with it, which made me feel better. I was pretty worried at first about what would keep him busy, because Mac gets bored very easily and then he gets into trouble. But I can't even tell you how amazing it has actually been to not have a million toys scattered through the house, that his room doesn't always look like a bomb went off in a toy store, that he is finding other things to do (with my help) that are more creative. He did alot of painting last week, and loved it. He never asked for any of his toys back, out of boredom or out of just wanting to play with a certain toy.

So this is where the "Helping  Hands!" came in!

I finally decided that I needed to start my Helping Hands idea and we decided that when ever he helps out in anyway or if he does things like his bed time routine with out a fit then he can have a helping hand. When it comes to little things like taking his dishes to the sink I will add a few more little tasks to it for him to get one helping hand. And for bigger tasks he gets one hand. For doing things like getting ready to go somewhere and cooperating, or getting ready for bed without a hassle or even being good during Sacrament meeting at church he

will get one. After he gets eight then he can choose some toys to come back into the house, or another privelage like playing on Daddy's iTouch.

And to be honest, the outcome has been much better than I ever expected. He is actually enjoying helping with things. He actually has the patience for me to teach him the correct way to do things. And he is almost always willing to help when ever asked.

On top of that, he isn't always asking about when he will get something. And alot of the times he will just help willingly and not even think about getting a helping hand as a result.

I am hoping that this will continue like this and it will instill in him, and Oak when she is old enough, to be helpful to those he is around and to have good cleaning habits.

Helping Hands

I traced his hands and had him color them.

I wanted him to help with the project in some way so that he felt like it was his idea too.

Then I cut them out and laminated them and put a magnet on the back.

They sit in a jar on top of the fridge. And he gets to pick one out when he is helpful and put it on the fridge.

He loves to count how many are on the fridge and also count how many he has left in the jar.

He has never gotten discouraged about how many he has left. And it takes him about day and a half to get all eight.

TODAY...

• I will say "no" less.
• I will say "stop" less.
• I will not say "later" or "Just a minute."
• I will NOT get distracted by unimportant things.
• I will stop and listen to EVERY word that he says.
• I will sit down and eat every meal with them.
• We will do more playing and creating.
• I will let him get messy and be messy.
• I will sit next to him while he watches his rented movie instead of doing other things.
• I will hug and kiss them and tell them I love them twice as much.
• I will beckon to every cry immediately.
• I will only do housework or other things during nap time.
• Today I will make sure my kids know that I LOVE BEING THEIR MOMMY!

What I have learned while being a Mommy of my two beauties!

**Love  most definitely grows! I even feel like I love Mac more, even though I am not sure that is possible. But it is so easy to love both of my babies! (I also feel this way for Mac's birthmother and the growth of our family with Oak's birthfamily).

**Being a passanger in the car on trips is a full time job between snacks for Mac and any "I want's"  from him and crying and binki retrieving for Oak.

**My back hurts more.

**Oak is a completely different baby than Mac was.

**(This may be different for most people) I worry more about Oak's health and if I am taking care of her properly. Not sure why that is, or maybe I did worry just as much I just don't remember it.

**I am too scared to take them both someplace all by myself. So errands are rarely gotten too unless Hubs has been willing to make them for me (which he has done quite a bit actually).

**I finding myself trying even harder to savor every second of Oak being a baby. Because really truly she could be my last, which breaks my heart to a million pieces (And I hope and pray that is not the case). And time just flys way too fast!

**My blog is a last priority in blogging. I love being able to provide a way for our children's birthfamilies to see them grow and that is top priority.

**Making sure that Mac knows he is secure in his place in our family. He is an awesome big brother. Now lets just hope that he doesn't share his cough and runny nose with his little sister.

**I am so excited to take both of my kids to the Temple. I really hope that it will be a memory that Mac will remember when he is older. (My first memory was of my 3rd birthday, so it is possible).

**It is so weird saying "the kids" or "our kids" or "my babies".

**I am determined to make Oak a binki baby. I didn't try hard enough with Mac and there were so many times that I had wished he would. Although in hind sight, I didn't have to try get rid of the things.

**Adoption is so amazing! And I am so glad it is my plan to adopt my babies, I would never change that.

**I think I am even more ok with never being pregnant. (That however does not mean that infertility is not still hard on me).

**I for some reason have been a better housekeeper since Oak was born. I have made my bed more days than I probably have for the whole year put together.

**I could never be a Mother without my husband by my side.

**I LOVE being a Mommy! The happy moments and the rough moments. My life is my fairytale!

**I love MY BABIES!

This boy of mine!

This boy of mine...oh what joy he brings me! He melts my heart about a thousand times a day with his spunky personality, sassy attitude, the crazy smart things that come out of his mouth, his cute little looks, his big blue eyes and his bright red hair (and he is even starting to get freckles, squee!).

I can not live a day without this boy in my life. Honestly without him life would be so boring (and we get a little taste of this when he stays the night at grandma's house).

A few things about Mac...(since it has been way too long!)

*He loves to sing and hum the songs he knows. His favorite right now is Praise To The Man, knows it word for word and will hum the tune perfectly on his own as he is playing.

*He could totally be potty trained if he wanted to be, but depending on the day he usually doesn't want to be.

*He loves his new big boy bed and we switched his rooms to give him more room to play.

*he love bugs and animals, doesn't matter what kind.

*He loves to get wet, that includes getting wet in the face. He was spraying himself in the face with a squirt bottle the other day and totally giggling over it.

*He is so friendly and loves to make new friends. I heard him go up to a little boy at church and say "Hi, I'm Mac, what's your name?" Grabbed the kids hand and was starting to walk away with him.

*He eats oatmeal almost every single morning.

*He has turned into a really great helper. He loves to help cook and is really starting to grasp following directions when he is helping.

*He likes to climb into his car seat himself now.

*He is really in to coloring and drawing lately. He is even getting really good at staying in the lines.

This boy of mine is just growing up way too fast! Love every speck of him!

Holding the first tomato we picked out of our first garden!

A jewel in my crown...

One of my favorite things to do is go and check on Mac before we head to bed ourselves. Sometimes I like to linger a little longer than just to check on him. There is something about our own babies asleep, that is so magical, and that brings out my gratitude for this beautiful little guy in my life. He has filled such a huge hole in my heart since he came into my life two and half years ago. And that hole was meant just for him, no one else could have filled it. He is the little one that made me a Mother (from the arms of his Birthmother), and the wait for him was worth every heartache, every tear, every moment of despair. He was so worth it!

I also know that Mac's Birthmother C feels the same way on her end, she has told me many times that Mac is such a blessing in her life. I know she feels that all those moments in her life that brought Mac into our lives were worth it to have him in her life.

Something in my Patriarchal blessing that has always stuck out to me, even before I was married, is a part that talks about me being a Mother. It literally brings tears to my eyes every time I think about this phrase... "Your children will make up the jewels of your Eternal Crown."

Mac is definitely my little jewel that I wear proudly as his Mother, and I can't wait until I receive the rest of my little, glorious jewels.

The wait for their added shining, beauty in our lives will most definitely be worth the wait!

To my sweet boy...

You are my I love you

Author: Maryann K Cusimano

I am your parent you are my child

I am your quiet place, you are my wild

I am your calm face, you are my giggle

I am your wait, you are my wiggle

I am your audience, you are my clown

I am your London Bridge, you are my falling down

I am your Carrot Sticks, you are my licorice

I am your dandelion, you are my first wish

I am your water wings, you are my deep

I am your open arms, you are my running leap

I am your way home, you are my new path

I am your dry towel, you are my wet bath

I am your dinner you are my chocolate cake

I am your bedtime, you are my wide awake

I am your finish line, you are my race

I am your praying hands, you are my saving grace

I am your favourite book, you are my new lines

I am your nightlight, you are my sunshine

I am your lullaby, you are my peek-a-boo

I am your kiss goodnight, you are my I love you

I feel so privelaged...

that I get to be a Mother!

I JUST LOVE BEING HIS MAMA!

for my children...

Mac looking at the Christus at the Idaho Falls Temple Visitor Center ~ April 2009

With it being Mother's Day today, I thought it appropriate to share this list that Hubs and I have been compiling for awhile. It is our own guidelines in how we hope to raise our children. These are all things that we have talked about over the years as we watched others raise their children. This list is by no means complete, I am sure that I will always come up with more. And no doubt I will probably fail at a majority of these, but I need the reminder. So my plan is to type this list up in a beautiful way to frame it and put it some where that will allow me to be reminded often.

• Be an example
• Teach with love
• Teach respect, do not demand it
• Create memories
• Speak kindly
• Love unconditionally
• Be happy, and not negative
• Set reasonable expectations
• Always make time for them
• Build strong relationships
• Learn from natural and applicable consequences
• Do not let my own pride get in the way of loving my children
• Never just say "no". Always give a legit reason for saying no.
• Teach them that they are Children of God
• Teach them to be like our Savior
• Use positive praise when ever possible
• Help build their self esteem and never put them down
• Make them feel that it is ok to come to us when they are in trouble or have questions
• Continually teach them the Gospel
• Prepare them to have their own eternal family someday

Just feeling so blessed!

For some reason Mac woke up crabby today! All he wanted this morning was his Daddy! Which really doesn't hurt my feeling at all, because I think it is so cute how he just adores Hubs. But in all I knew that the day was going to be a rough one. His crabbiness hasn't gotten better, but he has his times of being happy, but those only last a few minutes. But even taking care of my crabby little man, I feel so blessed to be his Mother and to be able to take care of him everyday! I have had some mixed feeling about him turning ONE at the end of the week. He is just growing up way too fast. Before long he won't be my baby anymore (although he will always be my "baby") he will be a full blown toddler. I don't know if we will be blessed with anymore children, so for him to leave the baby stage is a little bitter sweet for me. I remember a year ago, thinking "in a year we will have a one year old". And now here we are a year later with a one year old. It is just really crazy to think about. I love this little man, more than life itself! And it feels like he has always been with us. I can hardly remember life as just Hubs and I. Sorry that my thoughts are a little scattered right now, but I was just feeling so blessed today!

a mother...

"To be a righteous woman during the winding-up scenes on this earth, before the Second Coming of our Savior, is an especially noble calling. The righteous woman's strength and influence today can be tenfold what it might be in more tranquil times. She has been placed here to help to enrich, to protect, and to guard the home-which is society's basic and most noble institution. Other institutions in society may falter and even fail, but the righteous woman can help to save the home, which may be the last and only sanctuary some mortals know in the midst of storm and strife."

--Spencer W. Kimball (1982)

Being a MOTHER...

I feel like my words will not express to you the true joy I felt today. And I can't even begin to tell you how much I love being a Mother. But the best part is I get to be Mac's Mother! I am a Mother because of the miracle of adoption. I am a Mother because of our sweet and beautiful C. I am a Mother because of the excruciating sacrifice she made. I am a Mother because of the life she wanted to give to Mac. Thank You C!

And thank you C for this beautiful gift! Every time I look at it, it brings me to tears. It is so thoughtful and heartfelt and truly shows what kind of person you are. This will always hang in Mac's room and will be one of our greatest treasures!

It has part of the words from "I am a Child of God". And the feet print are ones that the nurses made on an extra piece of paper, when Mac was born, that C got to take home with her.