Guest Blogging about adoption...

I have the privilege of being a guest blogger over at Shaun, Lanette and Iris. I am talking about our experience with open adoption with Mac's birth family. 

Shaun and Lanette are doing an adoption week on their blog to promote their hope to adopt again. They have the sweetest little girl who wants to be a big sister! You will find alot of really great information about adoption as well some awesome giveaways. So check out their blog!

The Gift...

The Gift from Jared Fadel on Vimeo.

November is National Adoption Month! 

I am going to try to share some cool adoption thoughts, links and videos through out the month. Also if anyone has any questions about adoption or our experience I would love to try to answer them.

This video is amazing and it will for sure bring you to tears.

five months, feelings and happenings...

Today marks five months since we were approved to adopt. This day is significant because on our five month mark the first time we were approved was the day we found out about Mac. So tomorrow will officially be the longest we have waited for any of our babies. I am okay with it to a degree since I have had the feeling that this time it will take much longer. But it still makes me anxious, since we have had no contact at all from an expectant parent.

The first few month of being approved I had more anxiety about that fact that we weren't physically ready for a baby to join our family. Like we didn't have a big enough vehicle to fit another car seat, and the expense seemed overwhelming to think about buying more diapers and formula. So the wait was tolerable and I welcomed it. But we now have a minivan and Oak is potty trained and we just feel physically ready  now. We are also about to convert Oak to a big girl bed so the crib will even be ready soon.

I don't feel hopeless about the wait, but I just feel anxious. And this may sound a bit weird, but I would like to have some sort of contact from an expectant parent even if it doesn't work out. I just want to feel like we are being considered and that we are still working towards something. I know that the Heavenly Father's hand is creating our story, and I am trying to remember and have faith in that. He did it two other times for us and He will do it again.

On another note, lately our infertility has made me a bit sad, not depressed, just sad. I feel like I am revisiting old feelings and the loss of what I will never get to experience, and having to grieve again about it. And the hardest part is that I feel totally guilty about it. I feel like I don't have the right to be sad about it because I am incredibly blessed. And I really thought that I had healed way more than this. And the guilt has been the hardest thing to work through. My sadness isn't even as intense as it has been in years past. It has just brought a heaviness to my heart and then when I realize that my heart is heavy I feel guilty which feels suffocating. I feel like I am going in circles. These feelings haven't taken me over or my life so in whole I am doing good.

Thankfully I have a lot to distract me, that helps A LOT! And actually we are doing really good and we are happy as a family. To prove that, here are a few little happenings...

*Pretty consistently we have been reading the scriptures (not the scripture reader) as a family at night before the kids go to bed and then saying family prayer. And then we always do a family hug, which I think the kids like the most.

*My SIL found out she is having a baby boy! I am so excited! I was hoping for a girl so that Oak would have a girl cousin close in age, but I had a feeling it would be a boy. She posted ultrasound pics on her blog and oh my his little feet are so adorable. We are all excited for him to come in March. Mac especially keeps talking about his new baby boy cousin who he has named Junior. lol.

*Oak had a fever with no other symptoms except a little more irritable for five days straight. I thought that it might be Roseola or a UTI or maybe an ear infection. But like I said she had no other symptoms so I never took her in. She never ended up with Roseola so I don't know what it could have been.

*I have been making Mac take naps again, and it has been so nice to have that alone time during the day to relax. Although I should be doing housework instead, haha.

*I have been watching the series Once Upon A Time on Netflix and I have really liked it. I also just noticed that the added new episodes to Switched At Birth, which I had been watching during the summer.

*I deactivated my Facebook account. I have gone back and forth for months about doing it, but then I always talk myself out of it, because I worry that we may miss a contact from someone about an expectant mother looking to place their baby for adoption. But I at least feel okay to do it for now. We will see how long it lasts.

*We went to the Pumpkin Patch and I will have pics up of that soon.

*Mac is loving Preschool!! I love that he loves it so much. So far I have decided to give him chance at the local elementary school for Kindergarten next year just to see how he does. Although I won't be letting him ride the bus. He is very impressionable especially when it comes to things that are not good and I feel the need to protect him from unnecessary bad influences.

*I had a pretty big health concern recently and after going to the doctor and then to another doctor for some tests all is fine and I am so happy because it was a big weight on my shoulders for a couple of weeks.

*We received the sweetest letter from Hubs's Mission President thanking us for coming to his wife's funeral. It was a standard letter he sent to everyone, but it was so meaningful and beautiful.

*Voting time! I don't like politics and don't ever want to talk to anyone about politics except my husband. But I am excited to vote, especially in this election. My hubby has his done, he is just waiting for me to fill my ballot out so we can drop it off.

*Mac has been drawing picture,. cutting them out and hanging them all over the house. It is adorable! I love it!

*I finally got our garage cleaned up a bit. It was trashed from all the summer playing and gardening.

*Did I mention that Oak is potty trained?!?! Like everything, day and night. I don't even worry about taking her anywhere in underwear anymore. I haven't changed a diaper in two weeks. That is the first time in almost five years. That is crazy! I kinda hope that I get to start changing diapers again really soon, but hope it is on our next baby.

*Oak is obsessed with wearing her OSU Beaver shirts all the time. It is kinda cute!

That is all I can think of at the moment. Sorry

Road Trip Part 4

Our entire trip was based on getting to visit with Mac's birth family. It had been more than a year and a half since we had seen C. And four years since we had seen Mac's Birth Grandparents. This is something we have wanted to do for many years and this year we made it happen. And it was so worth it! We love having an open adoption and that Mac gets to have a relationship with his other family, who loves him just as much as we do. Not only do they love Mac, but love Oak too. It was a visit that i will always treasure. They were so fun, and made us great food, and took us to some fun places. They were just so much fun to be around. We stayed one night in a local hotel and then were planning on heading home as to not over stay our welcome, but they talked us into staying one more night and let us stay with them. Mac thought it was the coolest thing to stay the night at his Birth Moms house. 

They live in a town on Flat Head Lake in Montana and it was a beautiful town. It reminded me of some of the coastal town in Oregon. 

The first night C made us a delicious dinner and then we were going to go on a ferry/boat ride but missed it. But then we had fun just walking along the lake playing and throwing rocks. When we got to their house they had some fun boxes of toys for the kids to play with . The great thing was that the toys were what C's mom had saved from C and her siblings. 

The next morning after we stayed in our hotel we headed back over for a yummy breakfast of bacon pancakes and blueberry pancakes. YUM! Then after Oak helped V (Mac's birth grandma) make homemade giant cinnamon rolls, we headed off to the Dam. I can't remember the name of it. The hike down to the viewing area was these cool stairs. They were wide and short steps so they were perfect for Oak to walk down on her own. Mac was tired because he had just woken up when we got there. 

I have no clue what the name of this river is, but Mac's birth family said that they float it all the time.

Everyone was disappointed because the Dam wasn't open. Usually the water is rushing through it and it is so loud that you can't hear the person talking next to you and you get wet from the mist. I guess the dam is higher than Niagra Falls.

Oak laughing at V.

Then we headed to a park on the lake. We thought the kids would play on the playground but they had more fun throwing rocks and eventually just got in because the water was warm. They had so much fun! And it was pretty fun watching them.

They had these cool bench swings all along the shore facing the lake. They were so cool and the kids loved it.

After they convinced us to stay another night. we enjoyed another yummy dinner we spent the evening exploring their beautiful garden, playing crochet, swinging on their porch swing, roasting marshmallows, watching Star Wars and eating pop corn. It was really all very perfect. 

This is one lucky boy! Mac loves his Birth Mother and she loves him as you can tell. As we drove away from C's house Mac said to me, "Do you know why C is so cool?...Because she is my Birth Mom!" That is right buddy. We are so very blessed to have C and her family in our lives. And we hope next summer we will take another trip to visit them.

Birth families...

Tonight I was texting a bit with Oak's birth mother and setting up plans to get together soon with her and her mother. A little bit later I was looking at Mac's birthmother's blog and reading her updates. And then I just got this overwhelming feeling like my heart would just burst with love for these amazing people. I can't even begin to tell you how incredibly blessed I feel to know them on such a deep level and to just know them in general. I don't just love them for what they have done for me, because their sacrifice wasn't for me. But I love them for the sacrifice they made for our children, for their babies. It is a very rare thing to know someone as deeply as that, I feel incredibly honored. I so look up to both of our children's birth families and think so highly of them and try to draw strength from their examples.

It hurts my heart to hear how those who are ignorant to the world of adoption talk about birth parents or birth families. I hate when I hear people say things like, "I could never do that." or "How could someone do that?". I try so hard to share with others how amazing I think our birth families are, how amazing all birth families are. I try to share as much of the positive things and blessings that have come to our birth families because of their choice and sacrifice. And I hope it has helped, I hope I have made a difference. 

I was asked to give a talk on adoption in our ward last fall and my entire talk ended up being about what I learned from C's (Mac's birth mother) example through her trials, choice and sacrifice. (I can't share anything about Oak's birth family).

I wasn't planning on sharing it on my blog because of it's very personal nature for me and for C. But I have felt the promptings to do so now.

.............

As I read one particular line in the Primary Song "The Family is of God", I found that it had great meaning to me personally, “God gave us families to help us become what He wants us to be.”  I felt this was true personally in the building of my own eternal family.

Exactly five years ago, my husband and I were led to make a decision that would send us on a journey that has changed our lives in so many ways.  We did not know it at the time, but this decision would bring so many opportunities for us to learn, and grow in ways we did not know was even possible. The consequential events that have happened since that decision have brought us more joy and gratitude then we ever thought possible. That decision was to grow our family through adoption.

When we made the decision to adopt, I was not aware of the profound impact that it would have on my spiritual growth and how much it would solidify my testimony.  What I have experienced and witnessed in this journey has forever changed my outlook on life and on those around  me.  I know that this experience was a part of my Heavenly Father’s eternal plan for me to become what He wants me to be.

We have been blessed twice through adoption and each of our children’s adoption stories is immensely precious to me. I am not able to share with you every experience or everything I learned, but I do want to share some things I learned from one particular young lady that is very near and dear to my heart. Her example to me, as well as my knowledge of Heavenly Father’s love for her, has forever changed me. 

What I know about "C" doesn’t start with the day she came into our lives, but a few months prior when we were making a huge leap of faith by following the spirit. We felt strongly we were to make a big move that would take us far from our family. After we had officially made the decision to move we went to look for a place to live. That very same weekend C would find out she was pregnant. She would immediately know that the baby she carried was not hers, but belonged in an eternal family with a Mother and a Father. This young lady was Mac’s Birth Mother.

As I have looked back at the timing, I realized that Heavenly Father was not only answering our countless prayers to become parents, but answering C’s prayers before she even uttered them. What more proof do you need that Heavenly Father knows each of us individually and loves us enough to know what we need even before we need it. This very knowledge allows us to know that we are true children of God.

The next few months for C would consist of a lot of time on her knees praying to find a family for her baby whom she called “Peanut”.  I am actually going to share this part of   C's story in her own words.

“"...[The time came] to choose parents for “Peanut”…   I got online and started looking at couples [hoping to adopt]…  Right away the names “B and B” stood out to me…I looked at the other couples and read all their profiles.  I wrote down each couples names so I could pray about it in the next few weeks.  Day after day I would pray over each individual couple waiting for some prompting or feeling about each one.  I was starting to get frustrated because I wasn’t getting any answers.  That morning I had read a talk by Richard G. Scott about receiving answers to prayers.  He instructed that sometimes the Lord lets us make our own decisions and then he can approve or disapprove.  So I got down on my knees and prayed:  “Heavenly Father, I would really like B and B to be Peanut’s parents.”   I had this amazing peace and comfort come over me which I couldn’t stop the flow of tears.  I knew that He had approved of my decision and I was so grateful for that confirmation.” –“C”

Richard G Scott said, “It matters not our circumstance, be we humble or arrogant, poor or rich, free or enslaved, learned or ignorant, loved or forsaken, we can address Him. We need no appointment. Our supplication can be brief or can occupy all the time needed. It can be an extended expression of love and gratitude or an urgent plea for help. He has created numberless cosmos and populated them with worlds, yet you and I can talk with Him personally, and He will ever answer.”

I am sure C was feeling less than worthy to receive an answer to her prayers, yet she humbled herself and asked in faith. Her example of faith in wanting to find the right family for her baby leaves me overwhelmed with knowledge that she loved him enough to do what was best for him. She did that for him! She was not thinking of herself, if she had been, she would not have taken it to prayer and could have easily just chosen anyon. Because she did this for him, we have our beautiful son.

The day after C said this prayer and received her answer, we received the phone call that brought her into our lives. This day we found out that we would finally have an answer to our prayers and we would finally be parents in just five short months.  And although at this point I had never met her and I knew nothing about her, I already knew the best part about her: her deep and abiding love for her baby. Our hearts not only grew to love our soon-to-be baby, but his Birth Mother as well.

The night before C was to be induced to deliver her baby boy. I lay in bed thinking about her, worrying about, and wondering what she was feeling. I really could not imagine the pain and heartache that she would be feeling that night as she thought about the next day when she would deliver a baby that would not be hers to keep. I was praying my heart out for her to be comforted and know the love that we have for her and the love that our Heavenly Father has for her. I prayed that she was not alone, that she had the support she needed as she anticipated the events of the following day.

When C was in labor, she asked us to come to the hospital and see her. When we walked into the hospital room we were greeted by C’s mother, who was so excited to see us and opened her arms to embrace us with a hug. I was taken aback by this woman who we only just met, yet I could feel the love she had for us radiating from her. I watched her with her daughter and could tell how deeply she loved C and Mac.  What I witnessed from this woman in the hospital will forever be a true example to me of unconditional love, and the very true sense of what a mother should be. 

Mac was born just a few hours later, and as I walked into the room to see my son for the first time, I saw him in the arms of his birth mother and she was just beaming with pride for this beautiful baby boy that she had cared for the last nine months. She immediately handed him to me, and to look into the eyes of my beautiful son, Mac was a moment I will never forget. I was now a mother, his mother.

The next day was an emotional one. I knew it would be hard, but in actuality I wasn’t prepared for the intensity of all that would take place. My heart literally broke into a million pieces as I watched C cry as she held and kissed and snuggled Mac and was preparing to say goodbye to him. She carefully dressed him, and stroked his soft skin when he cried and placed a hand crocheted hat on his head that she had so carefully made just for this day.  As I stood by and watched this, I learned in a very powerful way the true meaning of selflessness.

That day I knew that I would always be able to tell Mac with a surety that C loves him as much as we do. I can tell him that it broke her heart to have to leave him, but made her so happy to know that he would have a forever family.

We took Mac home and as we soaked in every ounce of happiness that our sweet, little Mac brought us, our hearts still ached for C.  I could hardly think about her or talk about her without getting choked up and tears forming in my eyes. I had witnessed her make a sacrifice for the beautiful baby boy that was laying in my arms. I knew as I held him, she was hurting, yet she was happy that he was where he was supposed to be.

As the months went by, C would share with us her testimony of her experience and surety of her choice for Mac and of her plans for the future. Her progress through repentance seemed to shine through every time we saw her. And she seemed to really grasp and understand the purpose and power of the Atonement.

Elder D. Todd Christofferson recently spoke at General Conference, saying, “Without repentance, there is no real progress or improvement in life. Pretending there is no sin does not lessen its burden and pain. Suffering for sin does not by itself change anything for the better. Only repentance leads to the sunlit uplands of a better life. And, of course, only through repentance do we gain access to the atoning grace of Jesus Christ and salvation. Repentance is a divine gift, and there should be a smile on our faces when we speak of it. It points us to freedom, confidence, and peace. Rather than interrupting the celebration, the gift of repentance is the cause for true celebration.”

Seeing her happy, made us happy! And we would celebrate with her as she reached the goals she had set for herself.

C too would celebrate with us as we reached milestones in Mac’s adoption. She repeatedly would tell us, she couldn’t wait until he was able to be sealed to us.

We were able to finalize Mac’s adoption when he was six months old and we joyfully took him with us into the Temple where he became a part of our eternal family, just as if he had been born to us. We were very blessed to have C and her parents make the very long drive to come to the Temple on that very special day. And C’s parents actually attended our sealing. As we came out of the Temple, C came to me, hugged me so tightly and told me how grateful she was that we both got what we wanted, an eternal family for Mac. How precious and beautiful those words were to my heart. How grateful I am to know this beautiful daughter of God.

Her and her families sacrifice along with the sacrifice Oak’s birth family, make me a better person and a better mother. They prove that we can do hard things, that we can triumph over our downfalls and our trials. They prove that adoption is truly about hope and love. That we can love others no matter their choices or circumstances or differences.

I testify to you that we are all children of God, that he loves us and is ever mindful of all of us, of our joys and sorrows, our wants, needs and greatest desires, and of our good and poor choices. He is there when we pray, he is waiting, listening and answering our prayers. His hand is ever present in our lives, even if we don’t see it. He wants us to be happy.

hoping to adopt...again!

We are now approved and officially hoping to adopt!!

We are excited, anxious and a bit nervous. But we are so happy that we will be able to add another little one to our family through the miracle that is adoption.

For now I will just be sharing the links to our adoption blog and our profile through our agency.

When I get a bit more time I will get the whole button thing working and also share how everyone can help us. 

Adoption Blog

LDS Family Service Profile

homestudy thoughts...

My kids watching a movie, so cute right?!

Currently we are getting our house ready for our homestudy inspection for our adoption application. It is the final step in being able to be approved to adopt. I was scrubbing down our kitchen cabinets the other day in preparation (and no, our house does not need to be immaculate to pass and  really our house should look more like the above picture when it is inspected because it shows kids having fun). It is a chore that I don't do very often and so it made me think a lot about the reason that I was doing it this time. What came to the surface was some mixed feelings, bittersweet feelings. Feelings of insecurity regarding infertility and a bit of excitement at what it will also help bring us.

I first have to say that I totally understand the purpose in having home inspections. If I was a birth mother, and choosing to make that sacrifice for my child, I would want my child to go to the best, safest home possible. I would never want my child thrown into a home where it was assumed it was safe. So again, I totally understand why it is required.

But it is still hard to swallow the fact that the majority of the population of those having children do NOT have to have every nook and cranny of their house inspected to be able to bring their baby home. And they do not have to prove that they will be good parents, or have a strong marriage, or be asked how they will discipline their child, or have to have a physical to show that you are perfectly healthy, or have to show they have enough money or room enough in their house.  It is just another infertility punch to the gut.

And with that being said, those feelings aren't as painful as they used to be. They are just feelings, and I have learned to validate them, ponder on them and then move on.

Because I AM a Mother. We have done this twice before and it brought us that much closer to finding our babies. And we found them! And it is doing the same for us this time, bringing us that much closer to our 3rd baby. And that is the exciting part and makes it all so worth it.

Adoption #3 update...

Aren't they cute?! I find them like this alot. I love the days where they play together like friends and just can't get enough of each other. Those days are becoming more frequent.

I don't think I have done an update on my blog about where we are at with the adoption process since I announced that we were starting the process again. We made so great headway this last week so I thought that it was a good time.

Since doing the paperwork for our second adoption the process has changed a bit, mostly with the order they do things. It is much more organized and the changes make alot of sense. They have also added a few more requirements to be eligible to adopt through our agency, and those also make sense.

One of the process changes is that you are not able to start the application process until you pay your home study fee (which is non refundable). They have made this change so that they are using their time, resources and money only on serious applicants and to weed out those who go through a majority of the application process and then never pay their fee because they were either not serious about going through with adopting or who if then become pregnant and do not need to adopt.

We paid this fee a couple of months ago and as soon as the payment went through they sent us a package of paperwork . Prior to paying that all we were able to do was the initial entry application, they sent out our Bishop recommendation and we were able to do our state required adoption education. At some point we were given our log in information for the online portion of the paperwork. I don't remember if it was before or after we had paid the home study fee.

We have now done a portion of the on line paperwork. The portion that is done is what I need to fill out in regards to me and my background and my questioneer. Hubs in the middle of busy season and his brain is kind of on low function during this time in regards to anything outside of work, his church calling and his families immediate needs of attention. So i am waiting to catch him on a good day to see if I can get him to get some of his portion done of the online paperwork. We have plenty of time to get it done anyway because we are only about half way through our off line paperwork.

Which brings me to what we have finished in regards to the off line paperwork. Like I said we have already received all ten of our state required adoption education hours on the seven specific topics required. I am so glad that we got that out of the way at the beginning of the process since it was such a frustrating part of our last application process. It was all due to good timing though, so thankful for that.

On Friday I was able to mail out a large part of our off line documents. This included our Oregon State background check docs, our Montana State background check (which had to be notarized), our fingerprints done at the county court house, copies of birth certificates for Hubs and I, copy of our marriage license and Temple sealing certificate, Hubs's medical report (I need to call the doctor to get in for mine and will be getting the kids's filled out this week when I go for Oak's 18 month check up), employment verification, enlarge copies of our drivers license's and enlarged copy of our insurance card.

In regards to the background checks and the fingerprints. You never know how long it will take. It happens alot that paperwork gets lost somewhere and then you have to redo it. It has never been a problem in either of our last two experiences so lets hope that it is the same this time. Also I am not worried about it because we are not in a hurry. Although I am shooting for April (ish) again. And that is just because we are at about the same point in the paperwork at the same time of year as the last time we did our paperwork and we were approved the end of April.

Other off line paperwork still needing to be finished is, our infertility report (this is a new requirement which I will explain in a minute), mine and the children's medical reports, our caseworker still needs to send out the paperwork to our personal references (not sure of his hold up there, but after emailing him about it this week I think that will be happening soon), financial statement and a copy of our last tax return showing annual income, and home study where we need to do a safety checklist, and a few other documents that just need to be read and signed, and paperwork showing showing the information of where, what, when and how we got our adoption education. We also need individual and joint interviews.

In regards to the infertility report that they have added as a requirement to go through the agency. We have to have our doctor fill out a report that says what the logistics of our infertility issues are and how likely we are to ever get pregnant (like in a percentage) and also what action has been taken with procedures and testing. This was a bit of a hard thing for me to think about having to do. I wasn't exactly how we were going to go about this since it has been 5 years since our last procedure and 6 years since our last testing. I can't even remember the name of our doctor although I know what clinic it was at. Also we never finished out our testing because towards the beginning of our testing they found a serious problem that was more than likely the cause of us not getting pregnant after 4 years (at the time). We talked to our caseworker about the issue and he helped ease my worry. I haven't yet, but I will be trying to hunt down where our files may be and who can fill out our report for us. But if that doesn't work out we will probably just have my primary care doctor fill it out for us.

The reason that they have added this requirement is to decrease the amount of adoptive couples to those who are in the greatest need to bring children into their families. There are so many families who have been waiting such a long time for to adopt and there are so many families who have adopted and then have gotten pregnant. With the percentage of unwed expectant parents choosing adoption down to under 1% and the amount of adoptant parents increasing, this change is giving those in greater need a better chance.

Another requirement change is that you can only adopt through LDS Family Services if you have two or fewer children. This means that this will be the last time that we will be able to be matched (to a baby) and adopt through our agency. They however will still allow couples to apply and do their home study through them, they just will not help you find your baby through their agency. This would mean we would have to do our own work in finding our fourth (if there was going to be) baby. And then we would have to find a lawyer to do all the paperwork for placement as well as for finalization. They have added this requirement for the same reasons of adding the infertility report. To decrease the amount of adoptive couples so that those who are in greater need have a better chance.

Another thing I have been working on is a blog designated for helping expectant parents who are choosing adoption to get to know us better. I mostly have just needed to update the one I had done for our second adoption. It has been a lot of fun though and I have been kind of using it as a journal of thoughts and have updated it with where we are at in the process. It is private right now with only me having access to it, but as soon as we are approved (or maybe a little sooner) I will make it open and share it with everyone.

Wow this ended up being really long, sorry! Give yourself a pat on the back if you made it through all of that.

The Adjustable Heart

A repost from November 2008 ~ I read this today and felt a need to share it again.

This picture is one of our engagement pictures taken just three months before we were married. It is really hard to look at us then and think that we had no idea of the hard roads we would travel as eternal companions. One of those rough, and very long roads is our struggle with infertility.

This road started only about 6 months after we were married, and even then we didn't know it was to leave a very permanent mark on our lives. We had to experience a lot through this trial to come to the decision to choose adoption as our path to parenthood. That is right, we CHOSE adoption, it was NOT a last resort. And it should never be considered that. It is a very sacred, endearing, and perfect way to become parents.

Every couple that may find themselves in the fire of infertility will have to make changes in themselves before the choice to adopt is right for them and their family. Adoption does not solve or cure infertility or the baggage that it brings with it.

The choice to adopt comes after, much heartache, much learning, much patience, much praying, much understanding, and much change.

~~~

The Adjustable Heart:
Approaching the Decision to Adopt After Infertility
By John K. Kurkjian, Psy.D., Adoptive Families May/June 1998

John is a clinical psychologist in group practice with CPG Behavior Health Resources in West Hartford, CT and adoptive dad of two.

Infertility is a grueling experience, one that represents such an insult to one's senses of self, and of the "life plan," that couples find themeselves drawn into a grim battle to undo its trauma. Along the way, they often lose track of the original goal, which was to expand their family. Instead they often descend into a contorted version of their original quest, the war to "achiece a pregnancy."

As couples proceed through treatment, and as their likelihood of having a biological child dwindles, they must engage in another difficult process of grieving the child that will never be and beginning to consider whether or not they could possibly see themselves as adoptive parents.

Biological parenting often occurs with much less anguish, much less thought and preparation. It seems as if, at a certain point, children of biological parents are automatically "installed." For perspective adoptive parents, the process to expand the family is much more complicated. While they have many painful, negative aspects, it also represents an opportunity for these couples to "make virtue of necessity," by entering the role of parenting far more mindful of the choices they are making and far more prepared to accept the responsibilities ahead.

I believe that there are three stages couples with infertility pass through in moving toward decisions about adoption.1. MOVING TOWARD GOOD-BYE": Letting Go of One's Biological Child
Prospective adoptive parents often hear the stern, grim dictate to "resolve the loss of the biological child" before seriously considering (or being considered for) the adoption process. It almost sounds as if the resolution is a "product," with a certain date of attainment, like finishing college, or, come to think of it, delivering a baby. As one who has dealt with infertility and gone on to become an adoptive parent, resolution seems to be less of a product and more of a process, something that is worked with over time, and never 100 perfectly accomplished. If you had a baby that died, would you be expected never to miss that child before thinking of expanding your family? For couples who have coped with infertility, death is the closest thing they can equate with their loss.

Still, there is the need to have turned the corner in the grieving process, to have moved to the point where the child adopted will be loved for herself, not as a "stand in" for the lost biological child. Couples moving closer to this goal often have a clearer distinction between these two children. For instance, they may have picked out certain names for their biological child. As they consider a child to adopt they often begin to generate new names. They may begin to picture a child who looks different from themselves and from the baby they did not have biologically. There is also the beginning of a "parting company" with the biological child, a somehow more tangible sense of saying "good-bye."

To help myself with this part of the process, I wrote a song, the final verse of which goes like this:

• As important as it has been to conceive a child, it has somehow become even more important to parent one.
• As important as it has been to carry a baby to term, it has somehow become even more important to rock one to sleep.
• And maybe most of all, as important as it has been to pass on your genes, it has somehow become even more important to pass on your love.

So good-bye Greg--or was it Dorothy?
Good-bye to who you were to be
For all of life tou will not see, I;m sorry
Through never here, now in my past
Like a flame never burned,
Still a shadow cast
Now I lay you down at last, Good-bye.

2. CONSIDERING A NEW CHILD: Accepting the Differences Between Adoptive and Biological Parenting
On a day-to-day level, the similarities between raising a child who is adopted and a child who is born to you are overwhelming, and it is very easy to forget the differences. After all, their cries are identically shrill; their smiles are equally luminous. You dress a baby who is adopted exactly as you would a baby who came to you biologically. A number of years ago, my son's pediatrician noted some similarity between Jay and me, and I had to remind both her and myself that he was adopted!

With parenting, there is such a complete sense of immersion that it is easy to forget about adoption and adoption issues. But aside from this familiarity, there can also be a hidden wish to deny the difference between biological and adoptive parenting, perhaps as a way to keep the trauma of infertility behind.

The denial can be costly, because there are many important differences that will be experienced both by us and our children over the entire life of the family. Among them are our children's different genetic and historical heritages, and their special issues of loss and identity. To deny our own losses, and issues, might send a message to our children that these differences are too painful to tolerate and come to terms with.

3. MOVING TOWARD HELLO: Assuming the Role of Adoptive Parents
As we begin to recognize the differences between biological and adoptive parenting, we are in a better position to decide whether or not we can assume the role of adoptive parents. Are we ready to accept the scrutiny of a home study? Can we see the process as preparation for parenthood, rather than as an inquisition? Are we able to look at the process as an "adoptive pregnancy," comparable to a biological one?

Where there are vast differences, there are also some surprising similarities. One can see "trimesters" in 1) the application process, 2) the home study process, and 3) the wait for arrival. There are moments of great excitement and anticipation, as well as moments of terror, not only of the adoption not coming to fruition, but of what life will be like when it does. Prospective parents often sense an exhilarating shift in mind-set--for the first time in years they again come to believe that they are going to be parents. Then, there is the overwhelmingly poignant experience of the homecoming--the joyful celebration with family and friends who have been pulling for you along the way. When Emily Sung, our Korean-born daughter arrived, our friends held a welcoming party, complete with a banner that proclaimed: "You're Come a Long Way, Baby!"

Thoughts on #3

Mac singing "I Am A Child Of God" to Oak.

So maybe a month ago, I was talking to my neighbor while the kids were outside playing. I don't remember how the conversation turned to this, but I had told her that I was no where near ready for a third although I know there WILL be a third. And I really meant that when I said it!

I wasn't feeling ready emotional and I knew/know we aren't ready financially. It still felt exhausting having two kids. It felt totally fine to think of our third not coming for a few years.

Then a week later I went to the General Relief Society Broadcast and while sitting there listening I got side swiped by baby hunger. When I got home, Hubs asked me what I got out of the broadcast, and my answer was "I am now baby hungry". And then I was a little shocked when he shared with me a little experience he had (it's not mine to share) that made us both wonder if it is time to start working on adding to our family again.

I am not sure I am ready for this emotional roller coaster that goes along with adoption and infertility. But the hunger and feelings are getting stronger and I know our family is ready for another baby.

YIKES! I can't believe I am saying that!

I don't really know what the future holds, I don't know when we will start the adoption process. But I do know that I am trying to push away the heartache of infertility this time (easier said than done) and pay attention to the promptings to help us find our next little one.

The Adoption Triad

I submitted a photo for this project a few years ago. It is one of my all time favorite photos of Mac and his birth mother. It was right before we were to take him home from the hospital when he was just barely one day old. You can honestly feel her heartache and love for him just looking at the photo. It is close to the begining of the video (I  think at 1:01), but honestly all the photos along with the music just pull at my heartstrings and remind me how blessed I am to be a part of adoption.

ONE today!!

Today, our baby girl turns ONE!

It is very bittersweet for me when my babies turn one! The first year always goes by too fast and then I miss the baby that once was so little. I worry that I will never have a tiny little baby again to call my own. And I think about how hard this last year has probably been for her birthparents.

But then I get to think about the miracle in her coming to us. The immense joy and sunshine she has brought to our family. Her most beautiful self that I just can't get enough of. I think about how I ached to hold her even before I knew she existed and then this past year of snuggling her and loving on her and kissing those cute chubby cheeks of hers. It is all very emotional think about.

No matter how hard infertility, adoption and motherhood are, the joy I have from these two miracles of mine is far exceeds anything I could have dreamed.

She went from this beautiful, chubby sweet thing...

To this beautiful, happy, sweet girl!

Your first year was awesome and we are so happy we get to have an eternity with you!

Stay tuned (after all the wedding stuff/birthday stuff is over) for picture from her rocking birthday party and her first birthday pics (which I will hopefully take tomorrow).

CHOSEN

July is a very special month in our home. It is the month that we celebrate being "Chosen" for both of our children. Both of those days are etched in our minds forever!

There is one thing that never ceases to amaze me when it comes to building families through adoption, and that is the hand of the Lord. He is so mindful of us all and of our joys and sorrows, our wants, needs and desires, our good and our bad choices. We are quite aware of how the Lord has orchestrated our lives to bring not only our children to us, but their birth families.

On July 24th, 2007 we found out that a beautiful young lady had chosen us to be the parents of her unborn baby. I have already told the story about that day on here so today I wanted to share with you part of Mac's birth mothers story. The part of how she chose us.

"...Then came the time to choose parents for “Peanut”.  At first I felt like maybe the caseworker should just pick one, however he explained many women feel more comfortable in their decision if they make it themselves.  So I got online and started looking at couples from Montana.  I didn’t want the hassle of inter-state adoption laws.  There were about a dozen couples or so from Montana.  Right away the names "B and B" stood out to me.  I clicked on their profile.  Looking at their picture they looked like the ideal couple.  I read their profile and was really interested in the fact they had large families.  I thought that would be good for “Peanut” to be able to be raised around his cousins, in case the opportunity for him to have a sibling wouldn’t happen.  To keep things fair, I looked at the other couples and read all their profiles.  I wrote down each couples names so I could pray about it in the next few weeks. 

Day after day I would pray over each individual couple waiting for some prompting or feeling about each one.  I was starting to get frustrated because I wasn’t getting any answers.  That morning I had read a talk by Richard G. Scott about receiving answers to prayers.  He instructed that sometimes the Lord lets us make our own decisions and then he can approve or disapprove.  So I got down on my knees and prayed:  “Heavenly Father, I would really like "B and B" to be Peanut’s parents.”   I had this amazing peace and comfort come over me which I couldn’t stop the flow of tears.  I knew that He had approved of my decision and I was so grateful for that confirmation.  I called the caseworker to let him know I had made my decision, hoping that they hadn’t been chosen by someone else as I had taken a few weeks to decide...."

Every time I read this, my eyes fill with tears.

Mac will know how he became our son. He will know that he was not just given away, but he was loved so much that his birth mother took her time and prayed about the right thing for him.

It was all for him!

C is such a great example to me in all that she does. She takes my breath away with her love and passion for life and the gospel.

~~~

On July 1, 2010 we awoke to the news that once again our prayers would be answered and a beautiful young lady and a brave young man had chosen us to be the parents of their unborn baby. Mac would get to be a big brother! I can't tell Oak's story, but I quite literally get the chills every time I think about it. It once again was a testament of answered prayers and that the Lord's hand is in it all. And how important it is to listen to the spirit.

Oak's birth parents are amazingly strong and I am in awe of the choice they made for Oak. And not only do they love Oak, but have shown great love for Mac too!

~~~

How blessed I feel to experience adoption and motherhood.

And all because of the strength and braveness of others

and the love of our Heavenly Father.

I shared this video on Facebook last week, but I wanted to share it on this special day here.

Mac's Adoption Day

Three years ago today we went to the courthouse in downtown Helena and the Judge signed the paperwork to finalize Mac's adoption.

It was a crazy time for us. But full of small miracles and answered prayers, of which there is no short of in adoption.

 We were moving from Montana to Oregon and we really needed to finalize Mac's adoption before we left. If we didn't we would have to drive back to Helena after our move. We already didn't have any money to move and for the first time ever we were having to use our credit card out of necessity to make the move happen. And to have to drive back was going to make us even more financially strained.

The problem with making sure we could finalize before we moved was that we couldn't even request a court date until exactly 6 months from the time the relinquishment paperwork was signed by Mac's Birth Mother, which would have been June 17th. We were planning on moving on June 26th. Our Lawyer had told us that the court date would most likely be a couple of weeks away, because he had never been able to get anything sooner than that before. Even though he knew our situation, there was nothing he could do to get it sooner. So we prayed alot.

So when our Lawyer went in (who was awesome by the way and did our case probono except for the court fees, which was another miracle) to schedule our court date, there was a new person working there and told him that she could schedule us for the 24th. He was shocked, we were shocked...well only slightly, since we knew that our prayers would be answered one way or another.

Here is what I wrote about his actually finalization 3 years ago:

***

June 24, 2008

"This afternoon we went down to the courthouse and finalized Mac's adoption, YEAH!!!

I am totally kicking myself right now because we didn't get any pictures. That is because it was so casual and quick I didn't even think about it until we were almost home.

We first met with our Lawyer who just went over what was going to happen. Then we headed over to the courthouse and waited for the Judge to get back from lunch. As we were waiting the secretary came over and asked if she could hold Mac and then just a minute later an older lady walked up and was just saying how cute Mac was and then the secretary gave back Mac. Then she asked us to come into the Judges Chambers. So we walk in there and the Judge was the older lady that was talking to Mac when the secretary was holding him. We sat down around the desk in her chambers, it was just us, the Judge, our Lawyer and the secretary (our caseworker couldn't come). We were sworn in, our Lawyer asked us a couple of questions and then the Judge signed the paperwork. And it was all over before I really had time to think about what just happened (it was seriously maybe 5 minutes). Then we went down to the court clerk's office and got some paperwork certified and we filled out the paperwork for Mac birth certificate. And then we left. It was all a whirlwind!

I cant even tell you how excited we are that Mac is OURS! Being his parents has been more than we could have hoped or asked for! The entire experience of him becoming part of our family is so amazing and special to us.

WE LOVE YOU Mac!!!

Thank You C!"

***

I talked to Mac this morning about what today meant to us and why it is so special.

And tomorrow we are surprising him with "Day out with Thomas".

Mac is such a special part of our family! And we are so grateful for the answered prayers and miracle that brought him to our family.
We wouldn't have him without our beautiful C!

comfort those in need of comfort...

This post has been in the works for awhile and I have just been able to get the words down to finish.

As with most trials, infertility is hard...REALLY hard! It leaves you vulnerable, depressed, overwhelmed, along with a million more feelings. One minute you can be fine with it all and feel like a warrior, and the next you feel like you were pushed into a deep dark pit that you could never get out of. At some points you can feel like you have made HUGE strides in healing and moving on, and then unexpectedly something triggers and you realize that in actuality you have just put those feelings on the back burner for awhile.

In the fall of 2009 we decided to start the adoption paperwork to find our second baby. I was really excited and just happy to make the decision to get going on the process. Then unexpectedly I found myself having a hard time with it all. I felt depressed and angry. I was really struggling. And to top it off, I kept it all to myself, not even talking to my husband about it. I spent alot of nights crying and praying in bed after my husband fell asleep, trying to be quiet as to not wake him. I was totally caught off guard by these feelings, and felt like I was an awful person for feeling that way at all. Which is mostly why I kept it to myself, even though I don't think I was good at hiding it.

The beginning of 2010 was changing for me. I was having some strong feelings about us getting our paperwork done sooner rather than later. But was still struggling with that since I wasn't sure how we would even pay for another adoption, let alone another baby. But in my heart I KNEW that our baby girl was coming soon. And I worked my tail off at doing my part to make sure we were ready.

Then little things began to happen that I knew was Satan's way of telling us that we were on the right track and he didn't want us going through with another adoption. I had the one up, because I KNOW that Satan's greatest plan is to destroy the family.

One particular thing happened that was a changing point for me on many different levels. A relative of mine said some very nasty things to me that were completely insensitive and uncalled for. I don't want to, or feel the need to share the details of the situation, but what I learned from her actions (not by what she said to me) will be ever present in my life. And for that I am grateful! Not grateful to her, but grateful for my trials and what I can learn from them and grateful for the plan that my Heavenly Father has for me.

The greatest thing I learned was that because of my trials I can have compassion, empathy, and love for others who are going through trials in there life. And I am not talking about just infertility, ALL trials.

I ended up feeling sorry for this person that patronized and belittled me. She made the choice to do that instead of realizing she could be of comfort to me or be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on. She could have asked me if there was anything she could do for me instead of telling me to stop complaining. She missed an opportunity to serve and be an example of Christ.

The scriptures say comfort those in need of comfort, mourn with those that mourn. Even Jesus did this on many occasion. He cried with those that lost loved ones, instead of telling them to get over it or move on.

In retrospect, I feel like I already lived that way before, but I am even more aware of it in my life then ever before. I have had many opportunities since this has happened to be there for others who are struggling with big, hard things in their life. And I am grateful that I could be there for them. It has deepened long time friendships and I have made new, life long friends also.

it is all about LOVE...

I love adoption with my entire heart and soul!

And to have an open adoption makes it a millions times better than that!

We had an amazing evening tonight. Mac's birth mother C came to visit us! We have not seen her in two years. I can't even begin to explain to you how much my heart burst with joy when this beautiful young lady walked into our house and I was able to give her a hug. This little boy of mine is one lucky little guy to have such an amazing birth mother. And I can't believe how lucky we are to have her too!

I had actually been pretty nervous about seeing her again. I wasn't sure how Mac would act or react. But it all went more than perfect! We had been talking to Mac about her coming to visit all week and he seemed excited. Today when Primary was over he jumped out of his seat and ran to me and asked excitedly if it was time for C to come to our house. When it was just about time for her to arrive he stood at the little window by our front door and waited patiently. And when she finally came he was screaming with excitement and running up and down the hall. He was a little shy at first but quickly warmed up to her and her boyfriend J. He loved every second with C and would have liked to have kept her all to himself in his bedroom. He didn't leave her side! As they were getting ready to leave and C was in the bathroom. Mac asked me where C was because he wanted to say "I love you" to her. I about lost it. He gave her hugs and kisses and I was the happiest Mama at that moment so grateful for the grand blessing it is to be Mac's Mother and to watch him with his beautiful birth mother. As they were getting in the car he kept on saying "Bye C!" over and over and then when they drove off he got really sad and kept on telling us that he didn't want her to leave. I am in tears right now just thinking about it all! I am grateful that we are able to teach Mac about where he came from and who and what C means to us.

This day will definitely make my list of best days of my life!

 

Sealing photos...

A friend emailed me today reminding me that I hadn't posted our pictures from the Temple. I kindof forgot to post them here because I had already posted them on Oak's blog for her birth family.

We didn't do the professional photos this time because I didn't want another thing to stress about. I also knew that Mac would not cooperate for pictures, and that would stress me out too.

I ended up having a friend (who is a great photographer too!) shoot some photos of us, telling her that all I wanted is one good picture of us in white and one good picture of us in front of the Temple. Mac was such a goofball when she was taking our pictures in the atrium, that I didn't regret at all not getting professional pictures done.

These are my favorites and I have to say that I LOVE THEM!!!

Thanks A!