Pumpkin Patch!

One of my very favorite traditions is going to the Pumpkin Patch every October. We have made so many memories with many people over the years, although the last two years we have just gone by ourselves. This last year we added a tradition, which was to go through the corn maze. McCoy has taken an interest in doing mazes in books so he thought that it was pretty cool to be able to actually walk through one.

Waiting in line to go on the tractor hay ride.

On the hay ride.

He gives me butterflies! Love this man!

Miss Oak loved the hayride.

And so did Mac.

Oh my she is adorable!!

We have a rule that if you can't carry it you can't have it. This was Mac's pumpkin, but he still thought that it was too big to carry.

We found just the perfect pumpkin for Oak to carry. She took it very seriously and became quite possessive of her little pumpkin.

I have a cute little family.

Looking at this picture I wonder if he will have one more of us next year in our pumpkin patch picture.

His cuteness pretty much makes my heart melt.

Love that I am in a picture with my kids. Don't love how old I am looking.

These next few photos of Oak with her Daddy really warm my heart.

Is this not just so adorable and sweet?!

She was trying to figure out what he was chewing, which was gum.

She is perfect in every way!

A tunnel in the corn maze.

About to start the corn maze. We only made it through half the corn maze because of time and Mac was tired and all the walking was making it worse.

Love make memories with my family!

The Adjustable Heart

A repost from November 2008 ~ I read this today and felt a need to share it again.

This picture is one of our engagement pictures taken just three months before we were married. It is really hard to look at us then and think that we had no idea of the hard roads we would travel as eternal companions. One of those rough, and very long roads is our struggle with infertility.

This road started only about 6 months after we were married, and even then we didn't know it was to leave a very permanent mark on our lives. We had to experience a lot through this trial to come to the decision to choose adoption as our path to parenthood. That is right, we CHOSE adoption, it was NOT a last resort. And it should never be considered that. It is a very sacred, endearing, and perfect way to become parents.

Every couple that may find themselves in the fire of infertility will have to make changes in themselves before the choice to adopt is right for them and their family. Adoption does not solve or cure infertility or the baggage that it brings with it.

The choice to adopt comes after, much heartache, much learning, much patience, much praying, much understanding, and much change.

~~~

The Adjustable Heart:
Approaching the Decision to Adopt After Infertility
By John K. Kurkjian, Psy.D., Adoptive Families May/June 1998

John is a clinical psychologist in group practice with CPG Behavior Health Resources in West Hartford, CT and adoptive dad of two.

Infertility is a grueling experience, one that represents such an insult to one's senses of self, and of the "life plan," that couples find themeselves drawn into a grim battle to undo its trauma. Along the way, they often lose track of the original goal, which was to expand their family. Instead they often descend into a contorted version of their original quest, the war to "achiece a pregnancy."

As couples proceed through treatment, and as their likelihood of having a biological child dwindles, they must engage in another difficult process of grieving the child that will never be and beginning to consider whether or not they could possibly see themselves as adoptive parents.

Biological parenting often occurs with much less anguish, much less thought and preparation. It seems as if, at a certain point, children of biological parents are automatically "installed." For perspective adoptive parents, the process to expand the family is much more complicated. While they have many painful, negative aspects, it also represents an opportunity for these couples to "make virtue of necessity," by entering the role of parenting far more mindful of the choices they are making and far more prepared to accept the responsibilities ahead.

I believe that there are three stages couples with infertility pass through in moving toward decisions about adoption.1. MOVING TOWARD GOOD-BYE": Letting Go of One's Biological Child
Prospective adoptive parents often hear the stern, grim dictate to "resolve the loss of the biological child" before seriously considering (or being considered for) the adoption process. It almost sounds as if the resolution is a "product," with a certain date of attainment, like finishing college, or, come to think of it, delivering a baby. As one who has dealt with infertility and gone on to become an adoptive parent, resolution seems to be less of a product and more of a process, something that is worked with over time, and never 100 perfectly accomplished. If you had a baby that died, would you be expected never to miss that child before thinking of expanding your family? For couples who have coped with infertility, death is the closest thing they can equate with their loss.

Still, there is the need to have turned the corner in the grieving process, to have moved to the point where the child adopted will be loved for herself, not as a "stand in" for the lost biological child. Couples moving closer to this goal often have a clearer distinction between these two children. For instance, they may have picked out certain names for their biological child. As they consider a child to adopt they often begin to generate new names. They may begin to picture a child who looks different from themselves and from the baby they did not have biologically. There is also the beginning of a "parting company" with the biological child, a somehow more tangible sense of saying "good-bye."

To help myself with this part of the process, I wrote a song, the final verse of which goes like this:

• As important as it has been to conceive a child, it has somehow become even more important to parent one.
• As important as it has been to carry a baby to term, it has somehow become even more important to rock one to sleep.
• And maybe most of all, as important as it has been to pass on your genes, it has somehow become even more important to pass on your love.

So good-bye Greg--or was it Dorothy?
Good-bye to who you were to be
For all of life tou will not see, I;m sorry
Through never here, now in my past
Like a flame never burned,
Still a shadow cast
Now I lay you down at last, Good-bye.

2. CONSIDERING A NEW CHILD: Accepting the Differences Between Adoptive and Biological Parenting
On a day-to-day level, the similarities between raising a child who is adopted and a child who is born to you are overwhelming, and it is very easy to forget the differences. After all, their cries are identically shrill; their smiles are equally luminous. You dress a baby who is adopted exactly as you would a baby who came to you biologically. A number of years ago, my son's pediatrician noted some similarity between Jay and me, and I had to remind both her and myself that he was adopted!

With parenting, there is such a complete sense of immersion that it is easy to forget about adoption and adoption issues. But aside from this familiarity, there can also be a hidden wish to deny the difference between biological and adoptive parenting, perhaps as a way to keep the trauma of infertility behind.

The denial can be costly, because there are many important differences that will be experienced both by us and our children over the entire life of the family. Among them are our children's different genetic and historical heritages, and their special issues of loss and identity. To deny our own losses, and issues, might send a message to our children that these differences are too painful to tolerate and come to terms with.

3. MOVING TOWARD HELLO: Assuming the Role of Adoptive Parents
As we begin to recognize the differences between biological and adoptive parenting, we are in a better position to decide whether or not we can assume the role of adoptive parents. Are we ready to accept the scrutiny of a home study? Can we see the process as preparation for parenthood, rather than as an inquisition? Are we able to look at the process as an "adoptive pregnancy," comparable to a biological one?

Where there are vast differences, there are also some surprising similarities. One can see "trimesters" in 1) the application process, 2) the home study process, and 3) the wait for arrival. There are moments of great excitement and anticipation, as well as moments of terror, not only of the adoption not coming to fruition, but of what life will be like when it does. Prospective parents often sense an exhilarating shift in mind-set--for the first time in years they again come to believe that they are going to be parents. Then, there is the overwhelmingly poignant experience of the homecoming--the joyful celebration with family and friends who have been pulling for you along the way. When Emily Sung, our Korean-born daughter arrived, our friends held a welcoming party, complete with a banner that proclaimed: "You're Come a Long Way, Baby!"

Thoughts on #3

Mac singing "I Am A Child Of God" to Oak.

So maybe a month ago, I was talking to my neighbor while the kids were outside playing. I don't remember how the conversation turned to this, but I had told her that I was no where near ready for a third although I know there WILL be a third. And I really meant that when I said it!

I wasn't feeling ready emotional and I knew/know we aren't ready financially. It still felt exhausting having two kids. It felt totally fine to think of our third not coming for a few years.

Then a week later I went to the General Relief Society Broadcast and while sitting there listening I got side swiped by baby hunger. When I got home, Hubs asked me what I got out of the broadcast, and my answer was "I am now baby hungry". And then I was a little shocked when he shared with me a little experience he had (it's not mine to share) that made us both wonder if it is time to start working on adding to our family again.

I am not sure I am ready for this emotional roller coaster that goes along with adoption and infertility. But the hunger and feelings are getting stronger and I know our family is ready for another baby.

YIKES! I can't believe I am saying that!

I don't really know what the future holds, I don't know when we will start the adoption process. But I do know that I am trying to push away the heartache of infertility this time (easier said than done) and pay attention to the promptings to help us find our next little one.

spunky brewster...

Her curls. Sometimes her hair is curlier than this and sometimes it is straighter.

This is pretty much how you will see her if she is tired. Bear and thumb in mouth.

And see the owie on her forehead. She fell when standing on the down slope of the driveway and decided to lean over to grab her shoes. She face planted. It was sad!

Loves her babies!

She has just discovered these and wants me to put them on her numerous times a day.

 

Trying to keep her occupied with the tupperware drawer while I make dinner.

She is really funny in that she will just go and find a place and just sit. Usually it is a little bit more secluded but she decided that this place wars good for now.

Cute girl, silly face.

She has taken to the snack bench. She looks like such a big girl!

She LOVES her new water bottle!

precious...

Not sure there is anything more precious than this...

Is he not just the cutest red head you have ever seen?

Love my boy!!

What we loved about summer:

.  playing outside everyday with our neighbor boys.
.  riding bikes everyday.
.  going on walks everyday.
.   eating dinner on our deck.
.   fresh air
.   shorts and sandals.
.   going hiking.
.   going to the lake house.
.   going to the coast.

But we are ready to enjoy the cool, wet, fall!

At the end of September we met up with some friends at a park and the weather was awesome. It was one of the last really warm days we had this summer. Since we were so close to Old Navy we stopped in and then had to go and check out the fountain in the mall courtyard.

Sunday Gratitude...

I am grateful...

01.   to be reminded, once again, to never get too comfortable in life. because change will always happen and that is ok.

02.   that feelings about something specific can change so quickly.

03.   to have an old friend and his little family over for dinner tonight.

04.   to have kept the house clean enough this week that I wasn't afraid someone unexpected would knock on our door any second.

05.   to have found out today that Oak is getting 3 new teeth and we didn't even realize it because she is just a happy little thing.

06.   that I have got the ball rolling for Visiting Teaching this month, since I have slacked the last two months.

07.   for an awesome husband (I know I say this alot), really I feel amazingly lucky!

08.   that we put the giant baby gate away this week. my house feels so much less claustrophobic and more homey. (hence the reason my house has been so clean this week, so Oak can't get into anything or eat anything off the floor).

09.  to think about Sunday memories past when we lived in Pdx and we used to go to our best friends house every Sunday for dinner. It was expected that we would always be there, and it was a wonderful time.

10.  for wonderful people in our lives. feeling very blessed!

Sunday Gratitude (one day late)...

I am grateful...

01.   To be able to listen to the words of the Prophet and leaders of the church and to have felt the spirit and know that what they say is true.

02.   that we were able to spend the long weekend with my parents.

03.   that I am finally reconnected with a great friend after having totally lost touch for more than 5 years and to know that she is doing so well. It makes my heart so happy!

04.   for a husband who makes good and righteous choices in his daily life, and lives to serve our Heavenly Father.

05.   that after the little bug Mac had this last week that no one else got it. Thinking it was food poisoning.

06.   that I got to sleep in this morning, for sure a rarity.

07.   for modern medicine and that I can take something for the migraine that I have right now.

08.   for good clean water. oh, how I LOVE water.

09.   and that both of my kids are big water drinkers too (Mac prefers water over juice, soda, or milk.)

10.   for a husband who is technology savvy.

What a boy!!

He's becoming quite the big boy lately. I can hardly believe that he will be four years old in just a couple of months! Love every ounce of him!!

Mac Moments and Funnies...

Mac: When I grow up to be a Mommy...

Me: You are a boy, boys don't grow up to be Mommy's. What are you going to grow up to be then?

Mac: A missionary!

Me: That is a great thing to want to be when you grow up. What will you be after you are a missionary?

Mac: A firefighter!

Me: That's great. You don't want to be a Daddy?

Mac: Nope, just a firefighter.

Me: You can be a Daddy and a firefighter. Our friend M is both.

Mac: Actually, I want to grow up and be MY Daddy!

Me: How do you want to be like Daddy?

Mac: I want to get big and grow pokies on my face and go to work.

Me: Sounds good bud!

Funnies...

* after he had thrown up in the car, "My sandwich went down the wrong pipe."

*We were at Old Navy and Mac needed to go potty. He said he needed to go #2 so I got him on the potty and he couldn't go. Later at home he was finally able to go and he said to me, "I think that other toilet was playing tricks on my poop." hahaha! How this boy keeps us laughing!!

* (You will understand this better if you have watched Dinosaur Train on PBS): He was giving me his conclusion on something (like how he thought something worked or why something happened, I don't remember exactly). And I told him that he had a great hypothesis (figuring he would understand since he loves to watch Dinosaur Train). He quickly said, "I'm not a dinosaur!!!" Apparently only dinosaurs can have a hyposthesis and it was argued over for a couple of minutes after.

*We were reading the Sermon on the Mount in his scripture reader. We were talking about how if we obey the commandments we will live with Heavenly Father again. And then I read how Jesus said that we should be gentle, patient and kind and Mac says, "Oak isn't soft and pulls your hair so she can't live with Heavenly Father again." haha Made sure I took that as a teaching moment :)

*As he was cleaning up the pee on the floor of the bathroom, "Holy smokes, holy smokes this is alot of pee!"

*As we were watching the Trans Siberian Orchestra on PBS, "Does Jesus like rock star music?"

*"I want to show Grandma my Halloween stickers and she will be so scared that she will jump right out of her underwear!" hahaha

I could eat her up!!

but do you blame me?!

I never got around to posting her one year stats, so here they are!

height: 30 1/2 in (85%)

weight: 25 lbs (95%)

head: 47.5 cm (95%)

I put her hair in pigtails for the first time. She doesn't really have enough hair for it, but I really wanted to try it.

Sunday Gratitude...

Oak and I at Aunt J's wedding reception.

I AM GRATEFUL...

01.   for the Temple and because of amazing friends from one of our old Wards, we were able to go and do a sealing session with our Bishopric.

02.   that Mac is aware of his allergy to nuts. On our way to the Temple yesterday I was talking to him about who he was going to stay with while we went to the Temple. And he reminded me and said, "We need to make sure we tell the Mommy that I am allergic to nuts." I was in shock and so happy that he would think about that.

03.   that despite our busy day of going up to the Temple and having to stop 3 times on the way home because Mac was sick, that I was able to get to the General Relief Society Broadcast.

04.   for the inspired words that were spoken at the broadcast.

05.   that I have an extremely helpful husband, who holds the Priesthood and a Temple recommend.

06.   for the rain. I am ready for it, although I am sure I will be sick of it soon.

07.   for my super funny boy! he seriously keeps up laughing.

08.   that my cutie baby girl loves to snuggle, but boy is she getting spicy!

09.   for a nap today after being awake most of the night.

10.   to be where I am at in my life.